just because. he's gorgeous, isn't he? you're welcome.
Monday, November 9, 2009
hmph.
an entire month has passed since my last blog. and i'm not sure where it went, but i can give you an update to my super-stellar fall.
in september...i visited the sturm....."army". i'm not sure how and when they became an army, but many they are, so that's what i'll call em'. it was wonderful. i love those kids as if they were my own little nephews and niece, and brian and mindi's home continues to be one of the safest places on earth. it was fun...we went to wal-mart and picked out a new wii game for emma. a "girlie" one, so that she could have something of her very own to play amongst all those boys. and then cooper and elijah helped pick out a new gecko. i bought elijah "dash" (may he rest in peace) when i left manhattan, and it was time for a replacement. all in all, it was a trip i need to make more often. and i will.
in october.....i went to the kings of leon concert at sprint, and then the mutemath show at the beaumont. let me state both were excellent. it's good i saw k.o.l. first, as mutemath blew them out of the water. i'm not entirely convinced that mutemath is more brilliant than k.o.l., i just think at this point in their career, they are allowed more musical freedom. you know, big sprint venue with time restrictions, etc. regardless, i was left inspired. and reminded once again how music is so very important to me, brings me to life, inspires joy. i love that about me.
and i got to see the thiessens. which also have proven to be one of the coolest families to walk the earth. i love them. matt and michelle have a faith i admire and find inspiring, a great sense of humor, and impeccable taste. and i guess have decided they need an army of their own. their children are beautiful.
and finally, california. it was a good time. except i nearly ripped my arm off doing the zipline at zach's camp. and perhaps one night i encountered far too much tequila. tequila and i will part ways for a very, very long time. perhaps forever. it did however, numb the pain of the rope burn temporarily.
let's see......we strolled the santa barbara pier, (and ran into seal, and the klum children. how fun is that?), played at zach's camp in ventura, ate good seafood at rodondo beach, stayed at a gorgeous hotel near beverly hills, and dined with some good friends. and drank with some good friends. and dined again. we did venture to the price is right, which was a great time, but a bit exhausting. and we layed out by the pool!!! which sounds totally sad with this fall weather at hand.
i thinks ben said it best when we were heading to zach's the first night. he mentioned how great it was to be on vacation with people he could be authentic with. it's true. the four of us travel well together. (april was sick and couldn't make it. her presence was missed terribly, but we'll do it again.) i'm not sure how it all works because we're so different. i think it works because we know our weaknesses and strengths. and understand it is everyone's vacation, so we take a genuine interest in making sure everyone is doing exactly what they hope for. i love, love, love spending this time with them. it's so special and i love, love, love the friendships that we have built on these trips.
upcoming excitement for november??? NEW MOON!! it's going to be terribly wonderful. and thanksgiving with my mom's family for the first time EVER.
i'll try to post pics, but you get the point.
in september...i visited the sturm....."army". i'm not sure how and when they became an army, but many they are, so that's what i'll call em'. it was wonderful. i love those kids as if they were my own little nephews and niece, and brian and mindi's home continues to be one of the safest places on earth. it was fun...we went to wal-mart and picked out a new wii game for emma. a "girlie" one, so that she could have something of her very own to play amongst all those boys. and then cooper and elijah helped pick out a new gecko. i bought elijah "dash" (may he rest in peace) when i left manhattan, and it was time for a replacement. all in all, it was a trip i need to make more often. and i will.
in october.....i went to the kings of leon concert at sprint, and then the mutemath show at the beaumont. let me state both were excellent. it's good i saw k.o.l. first, as mutemath blew them out of the water. i'm not entirely convinced that mutemath is more brilliant than k.o.l., i just think at this point in their career, they are allowed more musical freedom. you know, big sprint venue with time restrictions, etc. regardless, i was left inspired. and reminded once again how music is so very important to me, brings me to life, inspires joy. i love that about me.
and i got to see the thiessens. which also have proven to be one of the coolest families to walk the earth. i love them. matt and michelle have a faith i admire and find inspiring, a great sense of humor, and impeccable taste. and i guess have decided they need an army of their own. their children are beautiful.
and finally, california. it was a good time. except i nearly ripped my arm off doing the zipline at zach's camp. and perhaps one night i encountered far too much tequila. tequila and i will part ways for a very, very long time. perhaps forever. it did however, numb the pain of the rope burn temporarily.
let's see......we strolled the santa barbara pier, (and ran into seal, and the klum children. how fun is that?), played at zach's camp in ventura, ate good seafood at rodondo beach, stayed at a gorgeous hotel near beverly hills, and dined with some good friends. and drank with some good friends. and dined again. we did venture to the price is right, which was a great time, but a bit exhausting. and we layed out by the pool!!! which sounds totally sad with this fall weather at hand.
i thinks ben said it best when we were heading to zach's the first night. he mentioned how great it was to be on vacation with people he could be authentic with. it's true. the four of us travel well together. (april was sick and couldn't make it. her presence was missed terribly, but we'll do it again.) i'm not sure how it all works because we're so different. i think it works because we know our weaknesses and strengths. and understand it is everyone's vacation, so we take a genuine interest in making sure everyone is doing exactly what they hope for. i love, love, love spending this time with them. it's so special and i love, love, love the friendships that we have built on these trips.
upcoming excitement for november??? NEW MOON!! it's going to be terribly wonderful. and thanksgiving with my mom's family for the first time EVER.
i'll try to post pics, but you get the point.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
2 Samuel 14:14
i've been so busy the past couple weeks that it wasn't until i had a phone call from a friend saying "just making sure you're breathing", that i realized an update was necessary. i waited until yesterday passed to make the final proclamation-
I HAVE SURVIVED THIS YEAR!
and if i might add, with flying colors. i can't believe it! it's been a year! and you know what? other than the august slump and a couple down days in september, it wasn't as bad as i expected. always prepare for the worst, that's my new motto.
there is one memory that remains more vivid than others i would like to share, because i think that in comparison, it really shows the restoration my God is capable of.
during one of my first weekends away, i think my mom thought it was the best idea to take me shopping. yeah! shopping. what girl doesn't want to go shopping? and given every single thing she wanted? that's what i got, that day. she bought me a closet full of new clothes for the fall/winter. i think i even got a coat. sweaters, a purse, everything. and then, afterwards she took me to lunch. chinese food. exactly what i wanted. and i just sat there. i wasn't eating. i think i smiled. i know i said, 'thank you.' but i do remember my mom getting up to use the restroom. and as she walked away i thought, 'i bet she is terrified'. i mean, can you imagine, as a mother, walking that road with your daughter? no make up, pale, not eating, no smile, blank eyes. the worst for her had to have been the blank eyes. i remember thinking how scared she must be. that the girl that sat there did not resemble her daughter at all. and i wondered, would i ever be her again?
well, i am her. i really am. on sept 26th i woke up and thought, 'it's here.' and then i thought, 'IT'S HERE!' and better yet, 'i have NO REASON to be sad, now.' i'm alive. healthy. happy. and better mentally and spiritually than i have been in years. so, i celebrated. i got myself starbucks on the way to work and toasted freedom with my coworkers and ate dinner with april and laughed about all the things that i no longer had to endure. it was a good day. i didn't give him one single tear. not one.
and not that they won't creep in every now and then. i acknowledge grief is a circle and not a race with a start and finish. i am aware that i will surprisingly burst into tears when i hear salsa music, eat a taco, or see a bulldog. but, the worst is behind me. i have survived one year. every holiday, anniversary, reminder, and mile-marker. they are done.
i am well, friends. thank you for your prayers and support. i know that you are out there. remembering me. thinking of me. loving me. thank you. we can all celebrate.
"Like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be recovered, so we must die. But God does not take away life; instead, he devises ways so that a banished person may not remain estranged from him." 2 SAMUEL 14:14
I HAVE SURVIVED THIS YEAR!
and if i might add, with flying colors. i can't believe it! it's been a year! and you know what? other than the august slump and a couple down days in september, it wasn't as bad as i expected. always prepare for the worst, that's my new motto.
there is one memory that remains more vivid than others i would like to share, because i think that in comparison, it really shows the restoration my God is capable of.
during one of my first weekends away, i think my mom thought it was the best idea to take me shopping. yeah! shopping. what girl doesn't want to go shopping? and given every single thing she wanted? that's what i got, that day. she bought me a closet full of new clothes for the fall/winter. i think i even got a coat. sweaters, a purse, everything. and then, afterwards she took me to lunch. chinese food. exactly what i wanted. and i just sat there. i wasn't eating. i think i smiled. i know i said, 'thank you.' but i do remember my mom getting up to use the restroom. and as she walked away i thought, 'i bet she is terrified'. i mean, can you imagine, as a mother, walking that road with your daughter? no make up, pale, not eating, no smile, blank eyes. the worst for her had to have been the blank eyes. i remember thinking how scared she must be. that the girl that sat there did not resemble her daughter at all. and i wondered, would i ever be her again?
well, i am her. i really am. on sept 26th i woke up and thought, 'it's here.' and then i thought, 'IT'S HERE!' and better yet, 'i have NO REASON to be sad, now.' i'm alive. healthy. happy. and better mentally and spiritually than i have been in years. so, i celebrated. i got myself starbucks on the way to work and toasted freedom with my coworkers and ate dinner with april and laughed about all the things that i no longer had to endure. it was a good day. i didn't give him one single tear. not one.
and not that they won't creep in every now and then. i acknowledge grief is a circle and not a race with a start and finish. i am aware that i will surprisingly burst into tears when i hear salsa music, eat a taco, or see a bulldog. but, the worst is behind me. i have survived one year. every holiday, anniversary, reminder, and mile-marker. they are done.
i am well, friends. thank you for your prayers and support. i know that you are out there. remembering me. thinking of me. loving me. thank you. we can all celebrate.
"Like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be recovered, so we must die. But God does not take away life; instead, he devises ways so that a banished person may not remain estranged from him." 2 SAMUEL 14:14
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
it's like christmas eve.
so it's no secret i'm trying to make it through the fall. and as hard as i expect some days to be, the anticipation of fun times ahead is doing a wonderful job of keeping me distracted.
when i was little i couldn't wait until christmas morning. my mom always used to say, "the soooner you get to sleep, the sooner santa will come." so without fail, every year on december 24th (the one night my parents would not have to bribe me to go to sleep), i would rush to bed. i would lay there and squint my eyes so tight. i always hoped i would drift off to sleep with lightening speed, knowing the night would pass in a second and i would get to open my presents as soon as i awoke.
that's how i feel about this fall. the line-up is amazing. probably not amazing to the average person, but amazing to me. here are some of the things keeping me up late at night with the happy anxiousness of a 5 year old.
#1. leah kraft is turning 30, and as my friends tend to roll...the party is going to be sick. i like dressing up and going fancy places, and this is sure to be one for the books. sept 26th. good friends. good food. surely someone will do something obscene. i'm hoping.
#2. oct 13th. i get to spend one lovely evening, with the lovely miss kelly jackson, watching these lovely boys....
i'm sort of obsessed with the sound of them. i love caleb's voice. kings of leon. love it.
#3. october 22nd through 26th. if anything is bound to be ridiculous- this is it. california- revisited. it's round two of the 30th birthday extravaganza. same crew. same state. same fun. and this time, the price is right will not be canceled. i cannot wait to spend time with these kids. can. not. wait.
#4. i love my boss. let me say it again, i love my boss. i actually have lots of bosses, but she is my direct supervisor. lorraine. she's amazing, kind, generous, thoughtful. i love learning from her. we have so much fun being a team and learning to be a better team. but the most fun thing about lorraine is we giggle like junior highers. about lots of things. she introduced me to the twilight books. i hated them, detested them. and now, i'm obsessed. she teases me all the time and puts up pictures of rob pattinson on the walls by my desk. it's great fun.
so on november 21st......it's national appreciate lorraine day. i'm so excited. she's a very practical woman, and i'm not, so i'm going to take her to do something that she would never do for herself. new moon premiere downtown at the mainstreet theatre. it's going to be really fun.....who would disagree?
#5. halloween haunt. my brother and i do this every year. we love it. well, he loves it except i scream and cling to him in sheer terror. but, he lives with it. world's of fun becomes fright fest every fall for halloween. i'm hoping we never get too old for this.
#6. and finally for thanksgiving, for the first time EVER, the my mom's siblings and all my cousins are getting together in the most western of kansas to celebrate. it's something i've pushed for, for years, and never won out. but this year, we've rented an entire house and are all going to barricade away in wakeeney, kansas. i'm sure that i will want to escape as soon as i am trapped with my mom and her sisters, but for now, it will be so special.
isn't it all so great? i just cannot stop counting down the days.
when i was little i couldn't wait until christmas morning. my mom always used to say, "the soooner you get to sleep, the sooner santa will come." so without fail, every year on december 24th (the one night my parents would not have to bribe me to go to sleep), i would rush to bed. i would lay there and squint my eyes so tight. i always hoped i would drift off to sleep with lightening speed, knowing the night would pass in a second and i would get to open my presents as soon as i awoke.
that's how i feel about this fall. the line-up is amazing. probably not amazing to the average person, but amazing to me. here are some of the things keeping me up late at night with the happy anxiousness of a 5 year old.
#1. leah kraft is turning 30, and as my friends tend to roll...the party is going to be sick. i like dressing up and going fancy places, and this is sure to be one for the books. sept 26th. good friends. good food. surely someone will do something obscene. i'm hoping.
#2. oct 13th. i get to spend one lovely evening, with the lovely miss kelly jackson, watching these lovely boys....
i'm sort of obsessed with the sound of them. i love caleb's voice. kings of leon. love it.#3. october 22nd through 26th. if anything is bound to be ridiculous- this is it. california- revisited. it's round two of the 30th birthday extravaganza. same crew. same state. same fun. and this time, the price is right will not be canceled. i cannot wait to spend time with these kids. can. not. wait.
#4. i love my boss. let me say it again, i love my boss. i actually have lots of bosses, but she is my direct supervisor. lorraine. she's amazing, kind, generous, thoughtful. i love learning from her. we have so much fun being a team and learning to be a better team. but the most fun thing about lorraine is we giggle like junior highers. about lots of things. she introduced me to the twilight books. i hated them, detested them. and now, i'm obsessed. she teases me all the time and puts up pictures of rob pattinson on the walls by my desk. it's great fun.
so on november 21st......it's national appreciate lorraine day. i'm so excited. she's a very practical woman, and i'm not, so i'm going to take her to do something that she would never do for herself. new moon premiere downtown at the mainstreet theatre. it's going to be really fun.....who would disagree?
#5. halloween haunt. my brother and i do this every year. we love it. well, he loves it except i scream and cling to him in sheer terror. but, he lives with it. world's of fun becomes fright fest every fall for halloween. i'm hoping we never get too old for this.
#6. and finally for thanksgiving, for the first time EVER, the my mom's siblings and all my cousins are getting together in the most western of kansas to celebrate. it's something i've pushed for, for years, and never won out. but this year, we've rented an entire house and are all going to barricade away in wakeeney, kansas. i'm sure that i will want to escape as soon as i am trapped with my mom and her sisters, but for now, it will be so special.
isn't it all so great? i just cannot stop counting down the days.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
f-f-f-f-funk.
disclaimer: i like to write. it helps me process. i like to be boldly honest. and i'm a dramatic person. you've been warned.
it happened a couple weeks ago. i'm not sure when to be exact. sort of like a black cloud settled in. the haze was confirmed when i was watching 'sex and the city' the movie, for the hundredth time, and i got teary at a part that i never get teary at. "crap."
i'm so used to waves of grief over the past three years that i immediately start going through the files in my mind. first i think, "am i missing mario?" then, "or my dad?" then, the why..."what holiday is it?" or, "what was i doing this time last year?" i thought and thought- nothing. in explainable.
my mom came up to rescue me the weekend before last. she's good medicine. we didn't do anything special. she was just....there. and for a moment, i felt stronger and less sad.
i talked to her the next monday. my wonderful, spirit-filled, intuitive mother. i was kind of down still, and she said to me, "i'm going to tell you something, because i haven't spoken up in the past and i've regretted it. so be patient as i tell you." in return, i listened, as i have not in the past, and too, regretted it. she nailed it on the head and it took me a moment to absorb the truth. in fact, i'm still absorbing it.
it's august. oh, august. i'm not sure of the last time i enjoyed an august. it's august when my dad stopped walking. or talking. when we went together to get our tattoo's. when i said my last of good-byes that he would be able to say a good-bye to me, in return. it was the last time that i would hear him tell me 'i love you.' (something i wish i had recorded.) it's also august when i began to acknowledge the truth of my very short marriage. that i would not be able to survive much longer under the circumstances. it's august when i would leave him for the first night- ever. to contemplate what i was going to do, and how long it would take me to do it.
august is my, 'brave face month'. i hate- august.
and that leads us to september. september, which is not far below the totum pole of august, but just enough to be in the lead of "the suckiest month". ever. september 29, 2006 was the day my dad died. september 21, 2008 was the day i had the balls to leave my husband. and, they weren't even my balls, but really that of those who were brave enough to step in front of me and make the hard choice. thank god, for them, i say. it was- an intervention.
september blows. i despise- september.
so here i am. a little more worn for the wear. maybe a lot? but still wearable. and as i said in the beginning of this ramble, i'm used to the waves of grief. it's just learning to swim when i feel like sinking. i guess it's really about thanking the Lord that He gives me the ability to figure myself out, and also the smart ones around me to help point that out. it's about choosing not to sleep, or eat, or drink, or do any of those really dangerous coping mechanisms people do in the midst of conflict and crisis. the one's that cause addiction and getting lost. boo, on getting lost.
so, for the next 8 weeks, i'm going to dig my feet into the Rock. and try and stay standing. and get out of bed. and go to the gym everyday even though i don't want to. and put on make-up. and not have ice cream or chips in my house. :) and get through it.
the anniversaries i care to not celebrate.
i wonder, will i ever like september or august? ever again?
it happened a couple weeks ago. i'm not sure when to be exact. sort of like a black cloud settled in. the haze was confirmed when i was watching 'sex and the city' the movie, for the hundredth time, and i got teary at a part that i never get teary at. "crap."
i'm so used to waves of grief over the past three years that i immediately start going through the files in my mind. first i think, "am i missing mario?" then, "or my dad?" then, the why..."what holiday is it?" or, "what was i doing this time last year?" i thought and thought- nothing. in explainable.
my mom came up to rescue me the weekend before last. she's good medicine. we didn't do anything special. she was just....there. and for a moment, i felt stronger and less sad.
i talked to her the next monday. my wonderful, spirit-filled, intuitive mother. i was kind of down still, and she said to me, "i'm going to tell you something, because i haven't spoken up in the past and i've regretted it. so be patient as i tell you." in return, i listened, as i have not in the past, and too, regretted it. she nailed it on the head and it took me a moment to absorb the truth. in fact, i'm still absorbing it.
it's august. oh, august. i'm not sure of the last time i enjoyed an august. it's august when my dad stopped walking. or talking. when we went together to get our tattoo's. when i said my last of good-byes that he would be able to say a good-bye to me, in return. it was the last time that i would hear him tell me 'i love you.' (something i wish i had recorded.) it's also august when i began to acknowledge the truth of my very short marriage. that i would not be able to survive much longer under the circumstances. it's august when i would leave him for the first night- ever. to contemplate what i was going to do, and how long it would take me to do it.
august is my, 'brave face month'. i hate- august.
and that leads us to september. september, which is not far below the totum pole of august, but just enough to be in the lead of "the suckiest month". ever. september 29, 2006 was the day my dad died. september 21, 2008 was the day i had the balls to leave my husband. and, they weren't even my balls, but really that of those who were brave enough to step in front of me and make the hard choice. thank god, for them, i say. it was- an intervention.
september blows. i despise- september.
so here i am. a little more worn for the wear. maybe a lot? but still wearable. and as i said in the beginning of this ramble, i'm used to the waves of grief. it's just learning to swim when i feel like sinking. i guess it's really about thanking the Lord that He gives me the ability to figure myself out, and also the smart ones around me to help point that out. it's about choosing not to sleep, or eat, or drink, or do any of those really dangerous coping mechanisms people do in the midst of conflict and crisis. the one's that cause addiction and getting lost. boo, on getting lost.
so, for the next 8 weeks, i'm going to dig my feet into the Rock. and try and stay standing. and get out of bed. and go to the gym everyday even though i don't want to. and put on make-up. and not have ice cream or chips in my house. :) and get through it.
the anniversaries i care to not celebrate.
i wonder, will i ever like september or august? ever again?
Thursday, July 30, 2009
the squeals of teeny, tiny girls
this experience in my life cannot go un-noted.
last night i went to the jordin sparks/jonas brothers concert. yes. i really did. it's sort of unjust because i know that there are teenage girls out there that would do anything to get into that show. and i could really care less. i mean, i don't even know their names. or their songs. or their ages. (however, thanks to TMZ, i do know their love lives.)
my friend ben scored some last minute free tickets (he's kind of the hook-up like that) and asked me to join him. let's state for the record that he only wanted to go so he could hear jordin sparks, and i obliged, cause i thought it'd be fun.....in a scary/surreal sort of way.
it completely lived up to all my expectations. the sprint center holds 16,000 plus bodies. and on this particular night these 16,000 bodies were teeny-tiny-boy-crazed-itty-bitty-screaming-monsters. i mean....every time someone said 'jonas' they would burst into the most ear-curdleing squeals. itty-bitty squeals. i mean, it's one thing to go to a justin timberlake show, where the girls have at least grown out of the little girl scream, but this was awful. and it NEVER stopped. just a steady scream. i'm guessing the average age was around 10 years old. (with accompanying mother or sister or aunt.) after jordin performed we decieded to stick around just to watch the freak show a little. we mostly laughed, and after our ears counldn't take anymore, and we got a sufficient amount of gigges- we left.
let me also state that jordin sparks was awesome. i'm not really a fan, but now i might be. she expressed such a genuine heart of gratitude for her life and her fans. she even stopped a second to talk about self-esteem with these 16,000 little ladies and sang a song about god's love for them. it was actually kind of cool. i really think she was worshiping and praying over all of them while she stood there in the middle all alone singing about jesus. not many people in her place would have the balls to do that- and really mean it. i'm a fan. officially.
last night i went to the jordin sparks/jonas brothers concert. yes. i really did. it's sort of unjust because i know that there are teenage girls out there that would do anything to get into that show. and i could really care less. i mean, i don't even know their names. or their songs. or their ages. (however, thanks to TMZ, i do know their love lives.)
my friend ben scored some last minute free tickets (he's kind of the hook-up like that) and asked me to join him. let's state for the record that he only wanted to go so he could hear jordin sparks, and i obliged, cause i thought it'd be fun.....in a scary/surreal sort of way.
it completely lived up to all my expectations. the sprint center holds 16,000 plus bodies. and on this particular night these 16,000 bodies were teeny-tiny-boy-crazed-itty-bitty-screaming-monsters. i mean....every time someone said 'jonas' they would burst into the most ear-curdleing squeals. itty-bitty squeals. i mean, it's one thing to go to a justin timberlake show, where the girls have at least grown out of the little girl scream, but this was awful. and it NEVER stopped. just a steady scream. i'm guessing the average age was around 10 years old. (with accompanying mother or sister or aunt.) after jordin performed we decieded to stick around just to watch the freak show a little. we mostly laughed, and after our ears counldn't take anymore, and we got a sufficient amount of gigges- we left.
let me also state that jordin sparks was awesome. i'm not really a fan, but now i might be. she expressed such a genuine heart of gratitude for her life and her fans. she even stopped a second to talk about self-esteem with these 16,000 little ladies and sang a song about god's love for them. it was actually kind of cool. i really think she was worshiping and praying over all of them while she stood there in the middle all alone singing about jesus. not many people in her place would have the balls to do that- and really mean it. i'm a fan. officially.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
wet floor. sweaty bottom.
let me start by saying i LOVE 24 hour gym classes. i've been going to them for almost four years. i'll even say that it's my favorite evening activity, and i'll forgo hanging out with friends in order to enjoy my classes. i also have a membership to the YMCA via my mom (so i can work out in topeka) that is good anywhere, but i don't care, i love my gym. i'll pay for it.let me add on that i have a routine. something monday, tuesday, etc., etc.- except for wednesday. that's my free night. i usually just do some cardio on an elyptical, stretch, and go home. HOWEVER, this wednesday (last night), was different. my ear buds broke on my ipod, and i absolutely cannot work out without music. it makes for the longest. work out. ever. so....i decided to hop in to a TKB class, led by miza. i have done one of her classes before and remember it was a good work out. (let me add also that i am a total gym class SNOB. i can tell you the best teachers in the city, and i won't go to the bad ones. no matter the situation.) what i DON'T remember, however, is that she is a total drill sergeant and that i needed to fear for my life!!
it was packed. which is a good thing. it means she's good. maybe 40 bodies in a room built for the clearly marked 28- above the door in fire-code fashion. and we were off. no warnings, no hi's, no "my names is....welcome to.....". nothing. (which is fine. i could do the warm-up in my sleep.) but we were doing the newest round. which i hadn't done yet, because the class i normally attend is still doing the last one. i was actually quite proud of myself because i was picking it up more quickly than normal...avoiding looking like a fumbling idiot. and then it happened. about 20 minutes in the floor was covered in sweat. too many people. small space. not enough fans. dehumidifier not cutting it. and things got slimy.
i was so worried about slipping and busting a knee-cap. most instructors would say "be careful", or "watch the floor ladies", but not her. she just kept on. the girl behind me fell. nothing. miza reminded me of a gymnast on crack. i wanted so plea, "i like my knees. i need them." i was happy to be cautious and careful. apparently, she thought i was a wuss.
to top it all off....at the end of class, we do squats. now, being cautious of my knees i was doing very hesitant squats. i was wobbly. tired. shaky. covered in sweat. so this results in less than proper form. according to her, this was unacceptable. so, you know what she did? she came by and yelled, "TIGHTER!", and gave me a good shove. any other day, i would think, "oh, she's telling me how good i'm doing, that's nice." but not today. as i lost footing from the push, nearly falling over, i thought, "she's really trying to kill me." isn't that special?
and you know what? i'll go back next wednesday.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
shiny, sparkely, Jesus
this sounds like an advertisement, and a description that doesn't quite sound reverant enough, usually, i would be mortified. but today, on this grand day of 07/08/09- something miraculous has happened.....
MY MOM DOES NOT HAVE CANCER!!!!!
isn't it glorious? weeping on the floor, thank you, thank you, Jesus wonderful? it is. and maybe to appreciate it's wonder you need the background.
my mom had cancer in 2000. and after surgery it didn't come back. my dad had cancer in 2006. and he did not win that battle. mom gets cancer for second time in 2008. (not even two years after i lost my dad.) and to be honest it just didn't seem fair. we do the surgery thing, it's gone, and we hope for the best. and one month ago, we found out that mom has cancer for third time. super bummed. defeated. bleck.
now....in the past days, during this most recent cancer dance i sat down with God and said outloud, in my big comfy chair, all alone in my apartment, in tears: "i know that there are no guarantees. and no limitations on what i should or should not have to endure because, that's not how you work, and who am i to question you. but really, i think i've had enough- for now. i need a break with all this. i know you're going to do what you do, and i'll learn to be okay with that, but please, please, please, make my mom okay. i just need that. that's it. please." now, knowing how my God works, and knowing that i've had lots of big requests in my life, and most of the time, i don't get my wish list. i instead always get to walk the "you give and take away, you are still God and worthy of my praise" road again. i don't mind that road, but it isn't my first choice this time.
but low and behold. TODAY, i got MY MIRACLE!!! i've been waiting all my life for one of those moments that i hear about. when He shows up just like you asked to give you your every desire. and He did. that's all i wanted. shiny, sparkley, Jesus showed up and took her cancer away. my mom got a call from the doc and it's gone. "i guess it must have been scar tissue", they said. never mind the fact that they nearly had my mom's surgery scheduled and her radiation weeks after that. she doesn't need it! just another check up in 3 months.
thank you, thank you, Jesus. for being so sweet to me, and showing me a side of yourself i have never experienced. i feel so special and important in your great big world of need. thank you for answering mine.
MY MOM DOES NOT HAVE CANCER!!!!!
isn't it glorious? weeping on the floor, thank you, thank you, Jesus wonderful? it is. and maybe to appreciate it's wonder you need the background.
my mom had cancer in 2000. and after surgery it didn't come back. my dad had cancer in 2006. and he did not win that battle. mom gets cancer for second time in 2008. (not even two years after i lost my dad.) and to be honest it just didn't seem fair. we do the surgery thing, it's gone, and we hope for the best. and one month ago, we found out that mom has cancer for third time. super bummed. defeated. bleck.
now....in the past days, during this most recent cancer dance i sat down with God and said outloud, in my big comfy chair, all alone in my apartment, in tears: "i know that there are no guarantees. and no limitations on what i should or should not have to endure because, that's not how you work, and who am i to question you. but really, i think i've had enough- for now. i need a break with all this. i know you're going to do what you do, and i'll learn to be okay with that, but please, please, please, make my mom okay. i just need that. that's it. please." now, knowing how my God works, and knowing that i've had lots of big requests in my life, and most of the time, i don't get my wish list. i instead always get to walk the "you give and take away, you are still God and worthy of my praise" road again. i don't mind that road, but it isn't my first choice this time.
but low and behold. TODAY, i got MY MIRACLE!!! i've been waiting all my life for one of those moments that i hear about. when He shows up just like you asked to give you your every desire. and He did. that's all i wanted. shiny, sparkley, Jesus showed up and took her cancer away. my mom got a call from the doc and it's gone. "i guess it must have been scar tissue", they said. never mind the fact that they nearly had my mom's surgery scheduled and her radiation weeks after that. she doesn't need it! just another check up in 3 months.
thank you, thank you, Jesus. for being so sweet to me, and showing me a side of yourself i have never experienced. i feel so special and important in your great big world of need. thank you for answering mine.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
my safe little space
i think i've said before how wonderful my new home is. it's small, and not even really mine, but it represents so much that i truly thank to Lord for bringing me there every single day. i realized life isn't about having what we want, or things in perfect order, but it's those little things that bring me so much joy. you see, in this apartment, i picked out everything. the colors, the music i play, the tv i watch, the food i cook. and all in all, that sounds amazingly selfish and self-centered. but only if i hadn't spent the past two years as a stranger in my own home. you see, no one can yell at me here. no one can tell me i didn't do something right, no one can leave me in the middle of the night and not come home until six in the morning. no one can disrespectfully not take care of my things, and no one can make me cry. it's my safe place. and it's been too, too long since i had one.
welcome.
it's not done yet, but i thought i'd show you a few of my favorite things.
this is my white couch. yes, white. i'm not sure what i was thinking, but i know i bought these pre-husband and pre-dog. glad to say they survived and i really think that God smiled on me, and let all the stains come out. i made all the new pillows....i love paisley. that pattern makes me smile. and yes, my walls are turqouise. i love them. it's the perfect and exact shade i was hoping for. i think it has been stated as "little mermaid", but everyone agrees it's awesome.
and these are the other pillows i made...and the otomon i covered myself in the paisley that i love. the picture above is fun and reminds me of a very special stepping stone, my time working with kel. and now, it reminds me of restoration and the truth that God is always devising ways to bring us back to him, and to eachother.
and this is the corner....my mom helped me make the curtains, too. i had more pics than this, but they didn't upload, and i'm still working on a few things, so we'll try some more when the product is finished.
and this is my little mess, i haven't finished. and to be honest, i'm stuck. i have these black shelves to hang next to the large picture, but i'm not sure what to put on them...candle holders, i guess? but the wine cabinet is such a blessing. i have been looking for the perfect one forever, and i finally found it. in perfect condition on craig's list. for $40 bucks!!!! and the pic above it my grandma painted, she says it's her favorite one she has ever done. the other half of the room is great. super annoyed i didn't get pics uploaded right. i refinished a dresser and other stuff.
more to come soon. come over, anytime.
welcome.
it's not done yet, but i thought i'd show you a few of my favorite things.
this is my white couch. yes, white. i'm not sure what i was thinking, but i know i bought these pre-husband and pre-dog. glad to say they survived and i really think that God smiled on me, and let all the stains come out. i made all the new pillows....i love paisley. that pattern makes me smile. and yes, my walls are turqouise. i love them. it's the perfect and exact shade i was hoping for. i think it has been stated as "little mermaid", but everyone agrees it's awesome.
and these are the other pillows i made...and the otomon i covered myself in the paisley that i love. the picture above is fun and reminds me of a very special stepping stone, my time working with kel. and now, it reminds me of restoration and the truth that God is always devising ways to bring us back to him, and to eachother.
and this is the corner....my mom helped me make the curtains, too. i had more pics than this, but they didn't upload, and i'm still working on a few things, so we'll try some more when the product is finished.
and this is my little mess, i haven't finished. and to be honest, i'm stuck. i have these black shelves to hang next to the large picture, but i'm not sure what to put on them...candle holders, i guess? but the wine cabinet is such a blessing. i have been looking for the perfect one forever, and i finally found it. in perfect condition on craig's list. for $40 bucks!!!! and the pic above it my grandma painted, she says it's her favorite one she has ever done. the other half of the room is great. super annoyed i didn't get pics uploaded right. i refinished a dresser and other stuff.more to come soon. come over, anytime.
try as i might
as i told you earlier, i've been trying to grow things. i do not have the green thumb of my mother, it seems that whatever she touches blooms and thrives. maybe, it's a skill that comes with practice, but here are my small efforts, courtesy of my mama.
let me start by saying this plant(picture top right) i had in manhattan. (eeka and linds you might remember) it was in the front room of the fairchild house about 10 inches tall and 3 little leaves held on for their dear life. when i moved to kansas city, my mom took custody and she swears that she only 'sat it on the back porch and watered it here and there'. please note also that at this point the plant is so tall i had to get the world's largest (and now heaviest when filled with dirt and said plant) planter to contain it's mass. it will take many men to bring this inside for the winter.
my other adventure was several hours of digging and removing leaves/old mulch in the two beds that surround my little patio. my mom helped me plant iris (that will bloom next spring) along the fence, and lots of cone flowers, daisies, lilies, and black-eyed susans to fill the newly cleaned beds. i can't kill any of those hardy flowers. they have just now started to really grow and bloom. (these pics were taken a month ago.....)
and please notice in the pic to the left, my sad, teasing little tomato plants. they have grown even bigger than when this picture is taken, and i'm not sure what i'm doing wrong, but i can't get the darn thing to blossom and give me food. ugh. so frustrating.
however, in the left above, right behind my chairs, you can see my herb pots. they are nice and bushy now, and i've even added a couple more. they house basil, thyme, sage, spearmint, pinapple mint, chives, parsley, cilantro, lavendar, and some bug be gone citronella smelling thing.
those are my efforts. any word on what to do for the 'maters? i'd take any help i can get.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
silly jillian
i love the bachelor...and the bachelorette. any season, you name it, heather and jenni got me hooked on this way back when. it's a fairly entertaining ritual. women all across the u.s. gather around their televisions, in groups, with food.....only to gawk, stare, swoon, and laugh at the trainwrecks.
this season, i have grown especially fond of a break-dancing, funny man. his name is michael. and he is 25. which is considerably young for miss jillian. however, he is adorable. not my type as he has blond hair and blue eyes, neither of which i have ever cared for in the male species. but he is absolutely endearing and wreckless and i find it refreshing. this WHOLE SEASON i have been hoping that the intelligence of this woman would catch on to how cool michael is. (see below) but....she gave him the boot. and as i absolutely despise tearful bachelor exits, his was sweet and sort of horrible. (i felt so bad i had to watch it through my fingers as my hands were over my face.)
now....even more disturbing (but NOT surprising), jillian kept wes. who, even though being accused of already in a relationship, has greater problems. like....no personality? nothing to say. just a bunch of 'i don't knows' and such. he gets on my nerves, but more so, i'm disappointed that she can't see through the guitar.
i would, however, come out of my hiatus for michael. even though i have sworn off men forever, especially those of the younger caliber.
this season, i have grown especially fond of a break-dancing, funny man. his name is michael. and he is 25. which is considerably young for miss jillian. however, he is adorable. not my type as he has blond hair and blue eyes, neither of which i have ever cared for in the male species. but he is absolutely endearing and wreckless and i find it refreshing. this WHOLE SEASON i have been hoping that the intelligence of this woman would catch on to how cool michael is. (see below) but....she gave him the boot. and as i absolutely despise tearful bachelor exits, his was sweet and sort of horrible. (i felt so bad i had to watch it through my fingers as my hands were over my face.)
now....even more disturbing (but NOT surprising), jillian kept wes. who, even though being accused of already in a relationship, has greater problems. like....no personality? nothing to say. just a bunch of 'i don't knows' and such. he gets on my nerves, but more so, i'm disappointed that she can't see through the guitar.
i would, however, come out of my hiatus for michael. even though i have sworn off men forever, especially those of the younger caliber.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
turning 30
ps......did i tell you that i went to california for my thirtieth birthday with some very wonderful friends? ben, april and i flew over to visit our friend zach. he works at a camp in redlands, california, so we started out there for a couple days, went to disney land, and then went to l.a. for the rest of the trip.
ben had the hook-up staying at a super-sweet hotel on hollywood blvd next to the kodak theatre. we went to a taping of ellen, the bonnie hunt show, and american idol. we roamed around venice beach for a bit, ate some good food, and didn't eat most of the time. (we were super busy, going here and there.) we watched the ku/mizzou game with a bunch of la-bound jayhawk fans and that was fun. but really, we spent most of our time in a fun bar, that i wish was in kansas city.
we met matt, rich, and lyle......who made the trip even more fun because we knew where to go and what to eat, and those boys provided lots of laughs. though they might say it were april and i who provided the most entertainment. (after four long islands i might say they were correct, on one occasion. what? it was my 30th.)
anyway, it was a fantastic way to kick off a new decade, gladly leaving the last one behind.
ben had the hook-up staying at a super-sweet hotel on hollywood blvd next to the kodak theatre. we went to a taping of ellen, the bonnie hunt show, and american idol. we roamed around venice beach for a bit, ate some good food, and didn't eat most of the time. (we were super busy, going here and there.) we watched the ku/mizzou game with a bunch of la-bound jayhawk fans and that was fun. but really, we spent most of our time in a fun bar, that i wish was in kansas city.
we met matt, rich, and lyle......who made the trip even more fun because we knew where to go and what to eat, and those boys provided lots of laughs. though they might say it were april and i who provided the most entertainment. (after four long islands i might say they were correct, on one occasion. what? it was my 30th.)
anyway, it was a fantastic way to kick off a new decade, gladly leaving the last one behind.
summer
i'm waiting to blog about my summer adventures until i have some pictures to post...but stay tuned for the following:
tales of painting: i found the perfect little mermaid teal to paint all over my living room. and after what ended up being 'caution sign yellow' all over my kitchen walls, i am nearing the end of covering up that disaster with a much more mellow mustard.
the secret garden: my mom hasn't worked in her flowers for two years, (since my dad died), so i have spent 2 weekends (the 3rd coming up in july) slaving away, uncovering what has been long unattended. i've mostly been digging up bricks and landscaping, killing off overgrown crabgrass, putting said bricks and landscaping back, weeding, digging, weed-eating some more. it will take all summer, but next summer it will be brilliance.
not-so-steel-magnolia's: i have what i believe to be the world's largest magnolia tree outside my apartment. i've been watching the blooms form, and they too, are ginormous. now, i thought with such a hardy tree, and blooms the size of my head, that i would be enjoying these for weeks. nope. seriously, this is what my life has come to, waiting for a flower to bloom.
patio pots: i've enjoyed working outside lately. it started last year. i slaved away at our [mario and i] house last summer. it was hard, and hot, and in the end, wonderful. now i have a two pretty decent sized flower beds at my apartment, and a large patio. so....i planted lots of flowers in the beds and mulched and raked and sweated. and in a few pots i planted sage, oregano, cilantro, parsley, mint, thyme, chives, lavender, and a couple bug-be-gone herbs. they are doing quite nicely. what is not doing so nicely? my tomatoes. the things are growing, getting taller, bigger, but NOT ONE BLOSSOM. i anxiously await tomatos. i talk to the thing, pray for the thing. nothin'. i will be so disappointed AND disgruntled if i don't get anything. poo.
tales of painting: i found the perfect little mermaid teal to paint all over my living room. and after what ended up being 'caution sign yellow' all over my kitchen walls, i am nearing the end of covering up that disaster with a much more mellow mustard.
the secret garden: my mom hasn't worked in her flowers for two years, (since my dad died), so i have spent 2 weekends (the 3rd coming up in july) slaving away, uncovering what has been long unattended. i've mostly been digging up bricks and landscaping, killing off overgrown crabgrass, putting said bricks and landscaping back, weeding, digging, weed-eating some more. it will take all summer, but next summer it will be brilliance.
not-so-steel-magnolia's: i have what i believe to be the world's largest magnolia tree outside my apartment. i've been watching the blooms form, and they too, are ginormous. now, i thought with such a hardy tree, and blooms the size of my head, that i would be enjoying these for weeks. nope. seriously, this is what my life has come to, waiting for a flower to bloom.
patio pots: i've enjoyed working outside lately. it started last year. i slaved away at our [mario and i] house last summer. it was hard, and hot, and in the end, wonderful. now i have a two pretty decent sized flower beds at my apartment, and a large patio. so....i planted lots of flowers in the beds and mulched and raked and sweated. and in a few pots i planted sage, oregano, cilantro, parsley, mint, thyme, chives, lavender, and a couple bug-be-gone herbs. they are doing quite nicely. what is not doing so nicely? my tomatoes. the things are growing, getting taller, bigger, but NOT ONE BLOSSOM. i anxiously await tomatos. i talk to the thing, pray for the thing. nothin'. i will be so disappointed AND disgruntled if i don't get anything. poo.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
not-so-happy....
...anniversary.
i've got a hard core case of the grouchies/weepies this week. i'd love to say that i have the amazing ability to talk to myself in the mirror, say 'get over it', and it be that easy, but it's not.
yesterday was mario's birthday. 'happy birthday, mario. wherever you are.' i have seen june 15th looming on the calendar for about a week and dreaded it's coming. unknowingly yesterday, i came to work, and the first time i typed it- 6/15/09, my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. it was like going down a rollercoaster, except i really like rollercoasters. i can say that i truly thought i was going to kick yesterday's ass, having made so much progress these last months, i really thought i might conquer. but, i lost. on the way home from work yesterday i burst into tears, and quickly found myself on the couch in complete 'mope' mode. i can't quite describe the feeling. it was like i was missing something, and like i should have been doing something. i mean, for the last few years i've cooked the dinner, made the cake, planned the party. and this year, nothing. it's truly the most bizarre out-of-body experience. to feel completely cut off from someone i used to share EVERYTHING with.
and to add insult to injury. saturday is our wedding anniversary. so, here with the memories of what i was doing exactly one year ago. walking down the isle....dreaming about the future....celebrating....cutting cake. ugh. gross. vomit. it's like taking a big sharpie and scribbling all over the pretty memories in my head. wanting to be happy about something that just doesn't have any happy left.
my mom says to remember that i won. that i got the better end of this deal. that i am no longer abused, yelled at, and left all alone. and i think i'll try to cling to that. to celebrate the fact that God set me free and pulled me out of the pit when i really thought i was stuck, for good.
anyway, those are the tales of the divorcee for today. sucks.
i've got a hard core case of the grouchies/weepies this week. i'd love to say that i have the amazing ability to talk to myself in the mirror, say 'get over it', and it be that easy, but it's not.
yesterday was mario's birthday. 'happy birthday, mario. wherever you are.' i have seen june 15th looming on the calendar for about a week and dreaded it's coming. unknowingly yesterday, i came to work, and the first time i typed it- 6/15/09, my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. it was like going down a rollercoaster, except i really like rollercoasters. i can say that i truly thought i was going to kick yesterday's ass, having made so much progress these last months, i really thought i might conquer. but, i lost. on the way home from work yesterday i burst into tears, and quickly found myself on the couch in complete 'mope' mode. i can't quite describe the feeling. it was like i was missing something, and like i should have been doing something. i mean, for the last few years i've cooked the dinner, made the cake, planned the party. and this year, nothing. it's truly the most bizarre out-of-body experience. to feel completely cut off from someone i used to share EVERYTHING with.
and to add insult to injury. saturday is our wedding anniversary. so, here with the memories of what i was doing exactly one year ago. walking down the isle....dreaming about the future....celebrating....cutting cake. ugh. gross. vomit. it's like taking a big sharpie and scribbling all over the pretty memories in my head. wanting to be happy about something that just doesn't have any happy left.
my mom says to remember that i won. that i got the better end of this deal. that i am no longer abused, yelled at, and left all alone. and i think i'll try to cling to that. to celebrate the fact that God set me free and pulled me out of the pit when i really thought i was stuck, for good.
anyway, those are the tales of the divorcee for today. sucks.
Friday, June 12, 2009
happy friday
Thursday, June 11, 2009
it's love
i brought home my little bundle of joy on sunday night. (my fuzzball dog, lily, that my mom has been harboring for me until i was settled.) and to be honest, i forgot how much work it is to have a dog. nine months of freedom is a long time, and i had become used to doing whatever i wanted in the evening.
lily's pretty fun. 9 pounds of cuddles and kisses. i like to refer to her as "the only good decision i made in two years." (it's really true.) but the problem is i am completely ridden with guilt when i put her in her kennel every morning, and return every evening....around 10 hours later. i realize that most dogs spend the majority of the day by themselves, but you need to understand that lily spent the last 9 months in dog heaven. ferserious. my mom is retired, with two cats, my brother, and lots of time. so this dog of mine had 'round the clock attention and playmates. so imagine her little down-turned ears every morning when i part. it's not fun.
as a result of guilt and the desire to be a GOOD dog-owner, i have now managed to drag myself out of bed at 6:00 every morning to feed her, take her on a walk, and play with her before i go to work. now, mind you, i go to the gym every night, so this 'exercise' is not for me. it's for her, and it goes something like this: step-step-sniff-step-bark-step-step-piddle-sniff-sniff-poop. for thirty minutes. it's not fun, but it does edge off the guilt a little, and i know she feels better.
anyone knows where to get some doggie prozac?
lily's pretty fun. 9 pounds of cuddles and kisses. i like to refer to her as "the only good decision i made in two years." (it's really true.) but the problem is i am completely ridden with guilt when i put her in her kennel every morning, and return every evening....around 10 hours later. i realize that most dogs spend the majority of the day by themselves, but you need to understand that lily spent the last 9 months in dog heaven. ferserious. my mom is retired, with two cats, my brother, and lots of time. so this dog of mine had 'round the clock attention and playmates. so imagine her little down-turned ears every morning when i part. it's not fun.
as a result of guilt and the desire to be a GOOD dog-owner, i have now managed to drag myself out of bed at 6:00 every morning to feed her, take her on a walk, and play with her before i go to work. now, mind you, i go to the gym every night, so this 'exercise' is not for me. it's for her, and it goes something like this: step-step-sniff-step-bark-step-step-piddle-sniff-sniff-poop. for thirty minutes. it's not fun, but it does edge off the guilt a little, and i know she feels better.
anyone knows where to get some doggie prozac?
Friday, May 29, 2009
Breaking Up
Dear Celery,
I've tried. For years, I have been trying to make this work. I walk by you in the grocery stores, and I admit, that you draw me in. I see you sitting there, and I know what you're capable of. I hear the stories people tell about how wonderful you are. I know what you have to offer. But I just have to step away. Over and over again, I've convinced myself to give you a chance. And every time I do, there you sit- in my fridge, for days, weeks, months. Until finally, I throw you in the trash. I know, I know, you're crisp and fresh, but- it isn't enough. I just, well, let me say it- I think you taste awful. I like you in my tuna salad, but that's it. I don't like you with peanut butter, or ranch, or in salads. I just can't keep this charade up anymore. I've given it my best. I've even tried preserving you in tupperware full of water. I know it gives you a longer life, but no ammount of time is enough for us. I just can't give you what you deserve. This is it. Really, this time. This is goodbye. I know that you deserve more.
Best dishes,
Megan
I've tried. For years, I have been trying to make this work. I walk by you in the grocery stores, and I admit, that you draw me in. I see you sitting there, and I know what you're capable of. I hear the stories people tell about how wonderful you are. I know what you have to offer. But I just have to step away. Over and over again, I've convinced myself to give you a chance. And every time I do, there you sit- in my fridge, for days, weeks, months. Until finally, I throw you in the trash. I know, I know, you're crisp and fresh, but- it isn't enough. I just, well, let me say it- I think you taste awful. I like you in my tuna salad, but that's it. I don't like you with peanut butter, or ranch, or in salads. I just can't keep this charade up anymore. I've given it my best. I've even tried preserving you in tupperware full of water. I know it gives you a longer life, but no ammount of time is enough for us. I just can't give you what you deserve. This is it. Really, this time. This is goodbye. I know that you deserve more.
Best dishes,
Megan
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
this is a bad idea.
ok. so i cancelled cable. (decided i could go without the utter filth, and accept the free channels my little antenna provides.) and this weekend there was nothing on the tube, except an infomercial that i watched for about fifteen minutes.....
introducing 'the new wave oven'. i watched this only because i could not tear myself away. i'm sure this is a bad, bad idea. one that those who cook with it will regret in about ten years when their children start mutating additional appendages from consuming anything cooked in this device.
let me explain. the new wave oven asks that you place FROZEN food in it's chamber. and this thing cooks pounds, upon pounds, of FROZEN meat in minutes. and entire turkey, FROZEN, in 2 hours. who thinks that this sounds normal? does this not scream nuclear problems?
i don't get it.
introducing 'the new wave oven'. i watched this only because i could not tear myself away. i'm sure this is a bad, bad idea. one that those who cook with it will regret in about ten years when their children start mutating additional appendages from consuming anything cooked in this device.
let me explain. the new wave oven asks that you place FROZEN food in it's chamber. and this thing cooks pounds, upon pounds, of FROZEN meat in minutes. and entire turkey, FROZEN, in 2 hours. who thinks that this sounds normal? does this not scream nuclear problems?
i don't get it.
memorial day weekend
i'm convinced that my mother is lying about her age. she never stops. and the woman is 63. she really is amazing. there are lots of things i learn 'as i get older', but appreciating my mom at this depth is something i wish i would have had done all my life.
she came up friday night to see me at work and meet all my new co-workers and doctors. (of course she came with gifts, because she had combed through her flower beds and brought lots of bulbs and plants to give away.) once we got to my place, we unloaded her car. (full of things that had been stored at the house in topeka.) she refinished the leaf of my dining room table, which had been ruined in the move, and it looks absolutely PERFECT. she's amazing. handy-dandy, that woman. she also brought lots of flowers for my place.....and we spent about 10 hours in my flower beds this weekend. i'm convinced that the grounds keeper at my complex sucks, hard core. there was about 2 feet of old mulch on my patio, along with whatever winter debri had not been removed. it was a mess. but now, (pictures coming soon), it's beautiful. i have an herb garden, a couple tomato plants, and the most overgrown rubber plant you have ever seen. (the pot we ended up planting it in will NEVER move.) on top of all that we went to ace hardware about 5 times, combed the prairie village garage sales, met my cousin for lunch and pedicures, finished sewing my curtains, (but NOT on sunday, my mother refuses to sew on a sunday), watched a couple flicks, walked the dog, and worked in the yard some more.
it's really fun to have that time with my mom. makes me miss my brother. and wish he could come visit more often. and when trying to hang shelves, and it doesn't quite go right, makes me miss my dad. cause he would've tore that up in about five seconds. i'm really lucky to have such a great family. i've always said, "we might be a small bunch, but we certainly are mighty." i realize that at 30, i spend a lot more time with my family than the average woman. but i don't care, cause it's really fun. and in hindsight, i wish i would have spent more time with my father, so there are few things i'd rather do than hang with my mom.
she really is the best mom in the world.
she came up friday night to see me at work and meet all my new co-workers and doctors. (of course she came with gifts, because she had combed through her flower beds and brought lots of bulbs and plants to give away.) once we got to my place, we unloaded her car. (full of things that had been stored at the house in topeka.) she refinished the leaf of my dining room table, which had been ruined in the move, and it looks absolutely PERFECT. she's amazing. handy-dandy, that woman. she also brought lots of flowers for my place.....and we spent about 10 hours in my flower beds this weekend. i'm convinced that the grounds keeper at my complex sucks, hard core. there was about 2 feet of old mulch on my patio, along with whatever winter debri had not been removed. it was a mess. but now, (pictures coming soon), it's beautiful. i have an herb garden, a couple tomato plants, and the most overgrown rubber plant you have ever seen. (the pot we ended up planting it in will NEVER move.) on top of all that we went to ace hardware about 5 times, combed the prairie village garage sales, met my cousin for lunch and pedicures, finished sewing my curtains, (but NOT on sunday, my mother refuses to sew on a sunday), watched a couple flicks, walked the dog, and worked in the yard some more.
it's really fun to have that time with my mom. makes me miss my brother. and wish he could come visit more often. and when trying to hang shelves, and it doesn't quite go right, makes me miss my dad. cause he would've tore that up in about five seconds. i'm really lucky to have such a great family. i've always said, "we might be a small bunch, but we certainly are mighty." i realize that at 30, i spend a lot more time with my family than the average woman. but i don't care, cause it's really fun. and in hindsight, i wish i would have spent more time with my father, so there are few things i'd rather do than hang with my mom.
she really is the best mom in the world.
Monday, May 18, 2009
not that interesting
i'm really bad at this. i think blogging is supposed to be funny. at least, all my friends posts are really funny. funny things happen to me, but then i forget. and this week was pretty significant, so maybe i'll tell that story.
on wednesday, may 20th, i will have officially hit the nine month mark. and it's a happy anniversary. it means i've come a long way, and that the 'first year' is almost over. i've survived almost all of it. halloween, thanksgiving, our 'when we started dating' anniversary, christmas, new year's, valentine's day, easter, and now there seems to be only a few left. our wedding anniversary, his birthday, and the fourth of july. i think those will be pretty difficult. i'm going to miss camping over the fourth. we camped a lot, and those weekends were some of our happiest. i love camping. not sure that any of my friends love it, so maybe i'll have to let that one go for awhile.
this last weekend i moved. for the last time. i'm home. and it is perfect. i never thought i would be this happy to live all alone, with my little dog. though i seem to be surviving the memories of the past, i'm so excited for the future. after a long weekend of painting, moving, unloading, loading, unwrapping, and dumping. april, kelly, and i sat on my couches (that have been in a gargage for the majority of this year), turned on the tv and relaxed. that moment seemed very surreal. i can't believe i'm here. with all the things that i love. my pots and pans. my pillows. my bed. i know they are just things, and they can't make me happy, but they make me feel like i can do one of the things that brings me the most joy, and that is being a good homemaker. i'm so happy to be home. i really can't explain it. i cried out of sheer relief/joy/disbelief/humility with my mom. i'm home. i have a home. it's not anyone else's, and no one can yell at me or make me feel scared or alone or abandoned. i'm free.
i'm sitting here typing, kind of annoyed with my wordage. i like to write, and i'm crazy with proper grammar and flowing sentences. and the above jarble is horribly written in my opinion. but it reflects how i feel. totally in awe and barely able to speak. i can't quite put it into words how great it is to have a home. but i have one. and it's amazing.
that's all.
on wednesday, may 20th, i will have officially hit the nine month mark. and it's a happy anniversary. it means i've come a long way, and that the 'first year' is almost over. i've survived almost all of it. halloween, thanksgiving, our 'when we started dating' anniversary, christmas, new year's, valentine's day, easter, and now there seems to be only a few left. our wedding anniversary, his birthday, and the fourth of july. i think those will be pretty difficult. i'm going to miss camping over the fourth. we camped a lot, and those weekends were some of our happiest. i love camping. not sure that any of my friends love it, so maybe i'll have to let that one go for awhile.
this last weekend i moved. for the last time. i'm home. and it is perfect. i never thought i would be this happy to live all alone, with my little dog. though i seem to be surviving the memories of the past, i'm so excited for the future. after a long weekend of painting, moving, unloading, loading, unwrapping, and dumping. april, kelly, and i sat on my couches (that have been in a gargage for the majority of this year), turned on the tv and relaxed. that moment seemed very surreal. i can't believe i'm here. with all the things that i love. my pots and pans. my pillows. my bed. i know they are just things, and they can't make me happy, but they make me feel like i can do one of the things that brings me the most joy, and that is being a good homemaker. i'm so happy to be home. i really can't explain it. i cried out of sheer relief/joy/disbelief/humility with my mom. i'm home. i have a home. it's not anyone else's, and no one can yell at me or make me feel scared or alone or abandoned. i'm free.
i'm sitting here typing, kind of annoyed with my wordage. i like to write, and i'm crazy with proper grammar and flowing sentences. and the above jarble is horribly written in my opinion. but it reflects how i feel. totally in awe and barely able to speak. i can't quite put it into words how great it is to have a home. but i have one. and it's amazing.
that's all.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
on the move.
since it's been awhile on the update... these are the facts:
Since moving to Olathe with Randy and Josh, I never really felt like I adjusted. It's a super far commute to any of my good friends, and I just seemed to sort of isolate myself. The boys were rarely home, and I think I felt more unsettled as time went on.
So, I started apartment hunting, hoping to find something I could move into near the end of the summer. I ended up finding something in Prairie Village, and they had an opening in June. It's a little sooner than I planned, and a little out of my newly "single" budget, but I felt like it was a good decision and just decided to trust God with my finances. (I would need to find another source of income....)
In the meantime, I'm back with April. Lily is back with my mom. It was the best decision for my spirit and my fellowship.
The divorce is final, and I'm finishing up the taxes for Mario and I. I owe quite a bit because we are filing seperately, but I'm hopeful that this will be the last financial burden I face as a result of our marriage.
I'm not quite sure how this story ends up....nor do I think I will understand how it unfolded, for some time. But, I do know I'm a little bit more of myself everyday. I don't think the "pre-Mario" Megan exists anymore, but I think the "post-Mario" Megan is similar to the old one, maybe just a little bit smarter, and a little bit more wary.
Since moving to Olathe with Randy and Josh, I never really felt like I adjusted. It's a super far commute to any of my good friends, and I just seemed to sort of isolate myself. The boys were rarely home, and I think I felt more unsettled as time went on.
So, I started apartment hunting, hoping to find something I could move into near the end of the summer. I ended up finding something in Prairie Village, and they had an opening in June. It's a little sooner than I planned, and a little out of my newly "single" budget, but I felt like it was a good decision and just decided to trust God with my finances. (I would need to find another source of income....)
In the meantime, I'm back with April. Lily is back with my mom. It was the best decision for my spirit and my fellowship.
The divorce is final, and I'm finishing up the taxes for Mario and I. I owe quite a bit because we are filing seperately, but I'm hopeful that this will be the last financial burden I face as a result of our marriage.
I'm not quite sure how this story ends up....nor do I think I will understand how it unfolded, for some time. But, I do know I'm a little bit more of myself everyday. I don't think the "pre-Mario" Megan exists anymore, but I think the "post-Mario" Megan is similar to the old one, maybe just a little bit smarter, and a little bit more wary.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
gadgets
i can run a PC in my sleep. i understand my phone, (to a degree). i can somehow manage to get music on and off my ipod. i know photoshop, electronic medical records, and whatever else i've figured out along the way. last week i tried my hand at the drums via "rock band". and mariokart and i equal total domination.
enter, ps3. my nemesis.
not too long ago the price boys, april and i decided to hibernate an entire saturday. the whole day. it was glorious. we put a blanket up over the window as to enhance black-out mode. rented a couple flicks. ate some...ate some more. and we watched an awesome movie on the ol' ps3.
three days later, in an effort to not purchase my very own copy of the flick from blockbuster, i tried to return it. except it was stuck in the sacred tomb. (aka- the ps3.) i use the phrase "sacred tomb" in all seriousness. because that's how secure this thing is. (well, at first glance.)
effort #1- push all buttons possible on the front of the device. nothing.
effort #2- push all buttons on a hand controller. nothing.
effort #3- wave hands like a stark-raving idiot in front of device as if to set of some magical sensor that would set my captive dvd free. nothing.
effort#4- wish my roomates were home to give instruction.
effort #5- return to punching buttons. combos of buttons. combos of waving hands and pushing buttons. nothing.
effort #6- wish my roomates would answer their damn phones.
effort #7- wave arms fast. wave arms slow.
effort #8- daydream throwing said device against a wall.
effort #9- finally realize there is a power button hidden on the back. push eject. sigh of relief.
moral of the story: i'm going to go buy a Wii.
enter, ps3. my nemesis.
not too long ago the price boys, april and i decided to hibernate an entire saturday. the whole day. it was glorious. we put a blanket up over the window as to enhance black-out mode. rented a couple flicks. ate some...ate some more. and we watched an awesome movie on the ol' ps3.
three days later, in an effort to not purchase my very own copy of the flick from blockbuster, i tried to return it. except it was stuck in the sacred tomb. (aka- the ps3.) i use the phrase "sacred tomb" in all seriousness. because that's how secure this thing is. (well, at first glance.)
effort #1- push all buttons possible on the front of the device. nothing.
effort #2- push all buttons on a hand controller. nothing.
effort #3- wave hands like a stark-raving idiot in front of device as if to set of some magical sensor that would set my captive dvd free. nothing.
effort#4- wish my roomates were home to give instruction.
effort #5- return to punching buttons. combos of buttons. combos of waving hands and pushing buttons. nothing.
effort #6- wish my roomates would answer their damn phones.
effort #7- wave arms fast. wave arms slow.
effort #8- daydream throwing said device against a wall.
effort #9- finally realize there is a power button hidden on the back. push eject. sigh of relief.
moral of the story: i'm going to go buy a Wii.
Friday, February 20, 2009
processing
my counselor told me to journal. i'm too impatient to journal. i think too fast, get annoyed, and quit. so i thought blogging would be good.
i've been processing a lot lately. my dad's death. my upcoming divorce. i think my pride gets in the way most of the time. thinking, "how did I become that girl?" it's a gross thought. the deep hearted truth of that question needs some serious time, but lately i can't help but think about jess and joel.
i sang in their wedding. "give me one pure and holy passion, give me one magnificent obsession...to know and follow hard after you." i prayed that a great deal over them and cora, during her stay in the hospital. thinking of their young love and that wonderful day, thinking of them full of hopes and dreams. sure that never would have dreamed they would lose their beautiful daughter to cancer so young. my heart hurts for them. i had a three months to say good-bye to my dad. i can't imagine processing such a devastating surprise.
and then i remembered the day i decided to leave my husband. i literally felt like i was dying. it hurt to breath and think. and i wonder daily if they feel that ache. praying that they will have the peace to breathe and sleep. sleep being the only thing that kept me sane in the exhaustion of living those first few days without Mario. every movement cause pain. and i truly thought that it would never stop.
life is so uncertain. and the pain of loss is truly unbearable, at times. but, i am making it. and so will they. probably with more grace than i ever did. but the strong survive. and He makes us strong. i'm stronger now than i ever thought i would be again.
praise the Lord.
i've been processing a lot lately. my dad's death. my upcoming divorce. i think my pride gets in the way most of the time. thinking, "how did I become that girl?" it's a gross thought. the deep hearted truth of that question needs some serious time, but lately i can't help but think about jess and joel.
i sang in their wedding. "give me one pure and holy passion, give me one magnificent obsession...to know and follow hard after you." i prayed that a great deal over them and cora, during her stay in the hospital. thinking of their young love and that wonderful day, thinking of them full of hopes and dreams. sure that never would have dreamed they would lose their beautiful daughter to cancer so young. my heart hurts for them. i had a three months to say good-bye to my dad. i can't imagine processing such a devastating surprise.
and then i remembered the day i decided to leave my husband. i literally felt like i was dying. it hurt to breath and think. and i wonder daily if they feel that ache. praying that they will have the peace to breathe and sleep. sleep being the only thing that kept me sane in the exhaustion of living those first few days without Mario. every movement cause pain. and i truly thought that it would never stop.
life is so uncertain. and the pain of loss is truly unbearable, at times. but, i am making it. and so will they. probably with more grace than i ever did. but the strong survive. and He makes us strong. i'm stronger now than i ever thought i would be again.
praise the Lord.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
favorite moments of the new year: part 1
here's to looking better at 30, than we ever did in highschool.for megan's 30th birthday we rallied together as many of the 'old crew' as we could and
hit t-town.
the evening went as follows:
megan in her birthday hat.
drink the size of my head #1
drink the size of my head #2
are we really at jeremiah bullfrog's?THE END.
and the following weekend...
april helped me celebrate my 30th in style with a wickedly awesome birthday cake and flowers from my new boyfriend...justin timberlake.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
it's time
so it's here. i'm thirty. and i'm not quite sure that makes my life interesting to read about, but i am sure that it is a new day. a new year. a new era. and...i miss kellie. and ginger. and dave. and jess. and really, the list goes on and on. so long in fact that i don't have the time (nor the Sprint minutes) to do all the 'catching up' i'd like to do. so....i'm caving to blogging. life's been a little bumpy lately. ok, a lot bumpy. and i'm learning how important it is to stay connected. so this is another attempt. no matter how technologically challenged i may be. here i go.
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