happy birthday, mama

let me start by saying, my mother despises being the center of attention. parties, presents, any sort of adoration....these things make her VERY uncomfortable.

i decided to throw mom a party this year. she's a Christmas day baby. so it's rare that it would work out for me to be home early to plan something. i ALSO decided not to tell her. her friends all kept calling me..."is this a surprise?" my answer, "no, i just don't want to be the one to break the news. she'll get mad at me." i just hoped someone else would tell her. she finally found out sometime last weekend, it didn't go over well, but she finally let it go.

her best friend, said it best in an email the morning of the 23rd:

"Have fun at your party today....Humble servants can enjoy their own birthday parties because their friends receive a blessing by celebrating with their special friend."

here are a few pictures.

my mom has amazing friends. amazing. women that point her to Jesus and have walked so closely with her through the years. they have the most amazing relationship. it is something to aspire to when i am older. thank the Lord, for the many, many women in my mom's life. i suppose around 30 people were able to make the celebration.

i cooked lots and lots of food.

i made these gift bags as favors for coming. the flowers are actually pins. (you can see the ladies wearing them in the first picture.) i don't know what i was thinking when i took on all 30 of them. april helped me cut all the petals. i'll have to pay for her doctor's bill someday when she has arthritis. in the bags are MARSHMALLOWS! did you know you could make marshmallows?? you can! so much fun! highly recommended!


and also thanks to april, i made these beautiful cupcakes! they were a big hit.

happy 65th birthday, mama. i love you the mostest.

dear kellie,

there are things i could not say to you when i said goodbye today. because i could not speak. but, i want you to know...

you are my best friend.

i have cherished our moments of worship this summer. together, singing old praise songs at the church you married in. also sitting in the living room, and if i shut my eyes tight enough, it felt like Cairo with the sounds of matt leading us on his guitar. telling myself to remember this moment, because it will not come again soon. knowing that one day, we will stand before Jesus and sing for eternity. thinking how sweet it will be.

and with maya. the sweet, squishy, blue eyed girl. you are an amazing mother. the kind of mother and friend that makes me feel like i can fit in that world somehow. the kind of that makes people feel valuable and important, even though your world has changed with that little person in your life. and she will know what is important, and what is not. because you will ask yourself 1,000 times what is right for her, and when you finally decide, it will be just what she needs. she is blessed to have you both.

and to see you in love. priceless. my heart is overwhelmed with the love in your marriage. i am so thankful beyond words. i sit and watch you both sometimes, and try to tell the story in my head. i mean, how did this ACTUALLY happen? i remember talking with matt, and talking with you, and the waiting....and now this. such a testament to God's faithfulness.

i'm so happy you are living the life you were designed for. chasing hard after it. investing in the lives of those around you. pursuing others with genuine interest and love. He will change the world with your love for others. they will meet you and not forget you. they will wonder why you were kind to them. why you cared. no one can meet you and not see something special in you.

thank you for giving me so much of your time these few months. i know it is precious. and in return, i feel so special to have had these days and weekends.

i am thankful for it all. sharing a room. sharing a house. sharing a strange, large, lost city. walking along the Great Wall with you. riding in that taxi, wondering how we would ever find our way back. having matching pajama pants. snorkeling in many bodies of water, trying to drown you in all of them. watching the storm nearly tear hawaii down, talking about how i felt like that uprooted tree. sleeping in the grand prix on the side of the road. going to the lake and pulling the broken boat back to shore. lots and lots and lots of boys and broken hearts. knowing that matt was the one. throwing a fit when i was not ready for him to invade my hawaiin vacation. walking down the isle. sending you off to atlanta. eating at pretty restaurants with flowers on the plates. loving each of your siblings for such special and different reasons. sitting with your teary mama over a christmas lunch as she sent gifts off to china. muslin. goats. snowed in porches. cigarettes and wine coolers. being broken, honest, and vulnerable. a card you sent me after my dad died. the tears we shared at the end of my marriage.

you are family, to me. i love you. i will miss you.

until we hug again,

megs

two months.

i haven't blogged in two months. lame.

but i've been reading your blogs. i love it.

i could tell you all the wonderful things i've been up to. but that seems impossible.

instead, i'll tell you the highlight reel:

i got to see justin play on a big stage in front of lots of people with matt and april. highlight.

i've had sweet, sweet times with kel before they head back to a far away land. highlight.

i continue to spend my sunday evenings with those i love around the dinner table. and snuggled up on my couches watching our favorite serial killer. highlight.

i went to manhattan and loved on my sturm friends. highlight.

i watched my brother complete his first 5k. highlight.

i got the most beautiful oil painting from someone i respect and admire. and it's hanging on my wall. highlight.

there are a couple others that i can't quite let out of the bag yet. but soon, very soon.

it will be a blog heard around the world on that day.

love.

a thought. before i forget it.

i've expressed before that a season i love has been dismantled by two sorrowful anniversaries. i don't really love august or september anymore. i more frequently find myself to be a subconscious basket case and a little less motivated.

no more than 5 days separate the day i left my marriage and the day my father died. but, that's not the point.

two years ago, i would have said that the failure of my marriage (that specific moment, the leaving part and the days thereafter) was much more painful than losing my father. i don't remember feeling actual physical pain when my dad died, or the lack of ability to breathe. i felt both when i left mario. however, at this point in time, the absence of my father is much more painful than i remember the leaving.

i'm not sure if it is because the blessed quietness of my life currently does not mask the absence of him as the chaos of years past has? or i can't hear his voice as much as i used to? i have so much sorrow in the midst of the missing him.

anyway, i miss my dad. praise be to Jesus that i will see him again.

it's over? really?

i can't believe the summer is gone. i know it's gone because it's dark when i wake up in the morning, and dark at 8pm. boo. boo, to dark.

the other day i said, "this has been the best summer i've had in....years." (calculating....) "four years to be exact."explanation? four years ago, my dad was sick. sick. and in mid-june he was diagnosed with cancer and given two months to live. hence, the onset of worst summer ever. the following summers ensued marriage and meanness, the last summer was my first without mario or my dad. so this summer? with lots of healing behind me, it left for a world of fun.

i have laughed. a lot. i mean, so much. i laughed yesterday at the pool with the boys and april. and i don't even remember what we were laughing at.

i have had sweet, sweet, time with jess and kellie. i mean, the kind of time that makes me wish the heavens were near. that makes me think, THIS is what it will be like. sort of. soon, it will be months before i can hug either of them, but the phone will do.

i went camping. bless the folks that went along with this idea. they knew my heart longed for camping. they went. they had fun. it was a memory for the record books.

the sturm's came. again, memorable. i love them. they really are my family. in so many ways. i love brian and min. and those four little people they made. with all their personalities and quirks and differences. precious.

i went to grown up prom with ben, todd and ape. (not really, it was jazzoo.) but we dressed up, and pretended we could afford to be there. and ate too much. and acted silly.

i swam. a lot. and layed in the sun. glorious.

anyway, that's that. too many things to find my favs. and now i'm tired of blogging and thinking.

hot dogs, hot dogs everywhere.

i didn't take many pictures tonight. which is a relief for poor kevin. (i'm not sure that he finds the photo sessions that torturous, but in little brother fashion, my brother would hate it. thus, the previous statement.)

we went to the k. a first for kev, a kansas city first for matt, and a long overdue return for kel. it was grand. they played great. the hot dogs were a dollar. (and sodas!) and we laughed and had a good time.

enjoy the tales in photo.

THIS is what happens when i tell matt to smile.........

this is the beginning of the hot dog madness.....

in true china fashion...a couple tourist photos......

and some sweet moments with good friends and family.....


and yes. we did in fact consume 12 hot dogs total. i'll let you add the fingers and do the math.

good night!

(and i still have lots of great pics to post from the weekend, but i'll save that for another day.)

most importantly

we did lots of things this weekend. all things important in life, really. like- the deli, and del rio, and otto's, and scrabble, and back rubs, and long talks, and laughing....

but mostly, maya and i just got to be good, good friends.

to be continued.

the waiting is over.

i will hug her in about 12 hours. it's been too long. i feel like i've lived a lifetime in these last 3 and a half years. and i've needed her. and though most of it's better now, it still feels like something has been missing.

i'm so excited.

adventures in colo-rectal surgery. (part 1)

my job is easy, really. i do whatever needs done. i don't take it home with me.

patients, however, are complex. they are sick, scared, and unknowing of what to expect. some of them smell and some of them are weird. sure, there are hemorrhoids and constipation and things that will go away. but there is also cancer and HIV and permanent ostomy bags. it's overwhelming really.

i have the opportunity to love others well. to remind them they are heard and valued. i'd like to say i do that all the time, but i don't. it shouldn't be hard. i don't know why i get in the way, but i seem to make it awfully difficult.

a few weeks ago 'jane' came in the office. i don't really remember why she was there. she was truly odd, and i was uncomfortable.

when i finally got her all situated and turned to walk away, she pulled a massive album out of her purse and said, "want to see my pride and joy? i've got bragging rights." i quickly told her i didn't have time. so she sat down and waited. and my time freed up. and still she sat. i don't know why it was so hard for me to go sit with her and look through her dang album. but it was. i'd like to say it was love overflowing that finally motivated me to get up and sit with her. but it wasn't. it was total guilt. a wave of revealed selfishness and carelessness. this was not who i was supposed to be.

i got up and sat next to her. "all right, 'jane', let's see this!" in the end, to make this woman feel valued, took a total of ten minutes of my life.

'jane' showed me her album. it was about six inches thick and full of HUGE embroidery pieces she had made. like, five feet tall. most of them designed herself. she lives alone, with her two birds. she has five sisters, two of them are still alive and her companions. her husband is gone. recently her sweet landlord came and installed a window unit for these hot summer months. "a life saver." she survived breast cancer. and now, one more person has marveled her work. (my sweet dr. looked at them, too.)

thank you, Jesus, for allowing me to crawl out of myself and be some sort of resemblance of You.

i had to call her today to follow up on her surgical care, and she said with a laugh, "tell the dr. i don't hate him." what?!? she said, "the last time i saw him before surgery he said, you're not going to like me for a few days after this." oh, right. "i haven't felt this good in years......." (enter a tangent that lasted forever.) ok, well, i look forward to seeing you tomorrow.

and i actually meant it.

so bad it's good

i'd like to send a small shout out to the trendsetters that paved the way in making these colors acceptable for summer wear. i'm not sure who you are, or what made you so ballsy that one fine day, but thank you.

i'd like to say i'm daring enough to paint my nails blue or green without you blazing the trail, but i'm not. in fact, in a few months (**oh please be at least a year**) when women of the world resort back to pinks and reds, i will follow. for i am one that likes to blend in and follow in the fashion world. (what? it's the midwest.)

but for now, i will joyfully go to my color box and try to choose between "lavender lights" and "midnight rush". and paint my nails more often than necessary because i have every color under the rainbow. and enjoy it to the fullest.

next, i would appreciate it if you would address leg warmers. those might be fun for a stint.

voices in my head. (no, i'm not crazy.)

far too much of me gives a rip about my identity. to others. i never really contemplated it much until i no longer liked the things for which i am now identified.

divorce.

welcome. to. my. present. life.

and the sunny-smiley comment about this i suppose we most hear is "mistakes don't make you who you are." (load of crap.) i mean, it's not a total load. i believe with all my heart that Jesus covers us. and in theory, we can see each other through new eyes. yes. but it just doesn't work out that way. not 100%. flawed little piles of flesh, are we.

there's always a new leg of this race i'm running. but the one theme that keeps repeating itself is that sooner or later, i have to forgive myself. i have to move on. but how can i? it seems nearly impossible when i see it all staring me back in the face through others.

and the second i tell myself that, my brain follows with these thoughts, in this order. exactly. please, crawl into my brain for a moment:

#1- i am the only one that can accept grace.

**ok. got it.**

#2- people make me feel like i don't quite belong.

**start to freak out internally**

#3- people aren't judging you megan, it's all in your head.

**it's ok, just chill.**

#4- yes, they are! not all of them, but some of them. and i can feel it. like, in their stare feel it. **i knew it! i never should have come here!**

#5- no matter how much i can forgive myself, i can't control others around me.

**meh, screw it.**

and thus, the battle. i hate it. it used to keep me from going to church. or engaging with others. but it doesn't anymore. some sort of miraculous intervention occurred a few months back. in fact, i found myself brave enough to join a small group. (i tried every excuse in the book, and finally just went.)

through sobs and tears with jess one night late on the phone the truth of the matter really came out. "i mean, did you think, way back when, that THIS would be MY life??!?" she said, "nope. never."

the reality is, i didn't either. and now that THIS is my story, it's awfully hard to embrace it.

it's not about being single. or unmarried. i rather enjoy those things, actually. for now, maybe always. it's not about being cheated on. that was his deal. his choices had nothing to do with me. they were not a reflection of who i who i was, or am. at all. infidelity and abuse- his fault. his choice.

it's about the failing. the failing to CHOOSE the right thing. i married someone who was not my equal. spiritually or emotionally. period. i made a wrong choice, and somehow, in my mind, it means that i deserved what i got. it means that somehow my grief isn't as valid as a friend who has lost a child. that wasn't their fault. but this was mine.

and then comes the staring. or the rumors. or the gossip. and i assure you, it's out there. i've heard it all. and it's embarrassing and humiliating and horrible.

and no matter what, those two things are very true and very real to me. so i suppose you could say, divorce isn't my identity, but it kind of is. for now.

and though i'm not okay with the failing or the title, i've found the journey doable. and not defeating or destructive. i'm finding grace a little more each day. and that the things that were scary, aren't.

and now, i'm going to keep going. starting with small group tomorrow night. again.

for abbe.

please pray for my dear, dear friend abbe. her family is struggling through disappointment, heartbreak, (and yet in love with Jesus), continue to put their hope in the One who heals.

i don't normally blog about others. i sort of feel like when disappointment comes, it's not really my business to share things, but knowing that abbe makes her struggle known for intercession, i feel ok with this.

and in her honor, i'm deciding to share something that has been on my heart for some time. i've never wanted to point out something creepy, or be a debbie-downer, or make you all paranoid. but in honor of abbe, and the love i have for each of you and your children, i impart this story, and ask you to please consider this as you post pictures of your children on the world wide web.

i'm not a mom. i don't know what it's like. and i don't know the sorts of challenges you face on a daily basis. but a dear friend of mine, who is a mom, shared something with me once that i have never, ever forgotten. i happen to think she's one of the best mom's i know, so heed her advice.

you see, my good friend, posted cutesy pics and videos of her kids when they were little. you know, in the tub with cousins, or getting ready for bed, etc. and then she noticed the number of hits on these posts, compared to others, were higher. impossibly higher. in the hundreds higher. and intuition told her heart to protect her babies. she knew what this meant. so she doesn't do it anymore. which is sad, because she can't share those uber-cute bathtub moments with people that love her kiddos. but as a mom, i know you all want to protect your babies. and everytime i see your cute little kid on a blog in her diaper, i think of this. and get sad. and don't say anything.

but today i'm going to for abbe. and all the sweet friends that would die to protect their babies. and you.

meh. a downer, i know. but i think you should consider it.

ta da! (the new place, a few steps from done.)

this is mostly for kellie and jess. but if you find yourself far away and bored, enjoy. i'm sure most of you could care less what my apartment looks like. but after months of work and exhaustion, i'm finally home.

let me first introduce my teeny, tiny kitchen. it's sad, really. i have no counter space. but a sacrifice must be made, and these were the terms. i'm safer, it's cheaper, i'm in the woods, etc.



this is the dining area. its a darker shade of purple. i like it. this is the jerk shelf that took me forever to hang.

this is the view from the hole in my kitchen wall. a terrible picture, but i think you get the idea of the space. and this is my rad end table i got at the yard sale. it works in the room, which i was really hoping.



my walls are a gray/purple and the shade in the dining area is just a couple shades more intense on the same color strip.




this is the rad fabric kelly helped me find. i love it. it goes well with everything i had intended for the room.








my bathroom, sort of boring. i think bathrooms are always boring. no?


and my bedroom. remember the end table i pulled out of the dumpster this spring? thats it by my bed. it's black walnut. refinished. it's an ethan allen table i noticed. someone painted it white. silly. but great for me!



that's it. everyone says they feel like they are at the lake when they come over. which is a great compliment. i live in the woods. literally. come visit soon.