2 Samuel 14:14

i've been so busy the past couple weeks that it wasn't until i had a phone call from a friend saying "just making sure you're breathing", that i realized an update was necessary. i waited until yesterday passed to make the final proclamation-

I HAVE SURVIVED THIS YEAR!

and if i might add, with flying colors. i can't believe it! it's been a year! and you know what? other than the august slump and a couple down days in september, it wasn't as bad as i expected. always prepare for the worst, that's my new motto.

there is one memory that remains more vivid than others i would like to share, because i think that in comparison, it really shows the restoration my God is capable of.

during one of my first weekends away, i think my mom thought it was the best idea to take me shopping. yeah! shopping. what girl doesn't want to go shopping? and given every single thing she wanted? that's what i got, that day. she bought me a closet full of new clothes for the fall/winter. i think i even got a coat. sweaters, a purse, everything. and then, afterwards she took me to lunch. chinese food. exactly what i wanted. and i just sat there. i wasn't eating. i think i smiled. i know i said, 'thank you.' but i do remember my mom getting up to use the restroom. and as she walked away i thought, 'i bet she is terrified'. i mean, can you imagine, as a mother, walking that road with your daughter? no make up, pale, not eating, no smile, blank eyes. the worst for her had to have been the blank eyes. i remember thinking how scared she must be. that the girl that sat there did not resemble her daughter at all. and i wondered, would i ever be her again?

well, i am her. i really am. on sept 26th i woke up and thought, 'it's here.' and then i thought, 'IT'S HERE!' and better yet, 'i have NO REASON to be sad, now.' i'm alive. healthy. happy. and better mentally and spiritually than i have been in years. so, i celebrated. i got myself starbucks on the way to work and toasted freedom with my coworkers and ate dinner with april and laughed about all the things that i no longer had to endure. it was a good day. i didn't give him one single tear. not one.

and not that they won't creep in every now and then. i acknowledge grief is a circle and not a race with a start and finish. i am aware that i will surprisingly burst into tears when i hear salsa music, eat a taco, or see a bulldog. but, the worst is behind me. i have survived one year. every holiday, anniversary, reminder, and mile-marker. they are done.

i am well, friends. thank you for your prayers and support. i know that you are out there. remembering me. thinking of me. loving me. thank you. we can all celebrate.

"Like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be recovered, so we must die. But God does not take away life; instead, he devises ways so that a banished person may not remain estranged from him." 2 SAMUEL 14:14