voices in my head. (no, i'm not crazy.)

far too much of me gives a rip about my identity. to others. i never really contemplated it much until i no longer liked the things for which i am now identified.

divorce.

welcome. to. my. present. life.

and the sunny-smiley comment about this i suppose we most hear is "mistakes don't make you who you are." (load of crap.) i mean, it's not a total load. i believe with all my heart that Jesus covers us. and in theory, we can see each other through new eyes. yes. but it just doesn't work out that way. not 100%. flawed little piles of flesh, are we.

there's always a new leg of this race i'm running. but the one theme that keeps repeating itself is that sooner or later, i have to forgive myself. i have to move on. but how can i? it seems nearly impossible when i see it all staring me back in the face through others.

and the second i tell myself that, my brain follows with these thoughts, in this order. exactly. please, crawl into my brain for a moment:

#1- i am the only one that can accept grace.

**ok. got it.**

#2- people make me feel like i don't quite belong.

**start to freak out internally**

#3- people aren't judging you megan, it's all in your head.

**it's ok, just chill.**

#4- yes, they are! not all of them, but some of them. and i can feel it. like, in their stare feel it. **i knew it! i never should have come here!**

#5- no matter how much i can forgive myself, i can't control others around me.

**meh, screw it.**

and thus, the battle. i hate it. it used to keep me from going to church. or engaging with others. but it doesn't anymore. some sort of miraculous intervention occurred a few months back. in fact, i found myself brave enough to join a small group. (i tried every excuse in the book, and finally just went.)

through sobs and tears with jess one night late on the phone the truth of the matter really came out. "i mean, did you think, way back when, that THIS would be MY life??!?" she said, "nope. never."

the reality is, i didn't either. and now that THIS is my story, it's awfully hard to embrace it.

it's not about being single. or unmarried. i rather enjoy those things, actually. for now, maybe always. it's not about being cheated on. that was his deal. his choices had nothing to do with me. they were not a reflection of who i who i was, or am. at all. infidelity and abuse- his fault. his choice.

it's about the failing. the failing to CHOOSE the right thing. i married someone who was not my equal. spiritually or emotionally. period. i made a wrong choice, and somehow, in my mind, it means that i deserved what i got. it means that somehow my grief isn't as valid as a friend who has lost a child. that wasn't their fault. but this was mine.

and then comes the staring. or the rumors. or the gossip. and i assure you, it's out there. i've heard it all. and it's embarrassing and humiliating and horrible.

and no matter what, those two things are very true and very real to me. so i suppose you could say, divorce isn't my identity, but it kind of is. for now.

and though i'm not okay with the failing or the title, i've found the journey doable. and not defeating or destructive. i'm finding grace a little more each day. and that the things that were scary, aren't.

and now, i'm going to keep going. starting with small group tomorrow night. again.