2 Samuel 14:14

i've been so busy the past couple weeks that it wasn't until i had a phone call from a friend saying "just making sure you're breathing", that i realized an update was necessary. i waited until yesterday passed to make the final proclamation-

I HAVE SURVIVED THIS YEAR!

and if i might add, with flying colors. i can't believe it! it's been a year! and you know what? other than the august slump and a couple down days in september, it wasn't as bad as i expected. always prepare for the worst, that's my new motto.

there is one memory that remains more vivid than others i would like to share, because i think that in comparison, it really shows the restoration my God is capable of.

during one of my first weekends away, i think my mom thought it was the best idea to take me shopping. yeah! shopping. what girl doesn't want to go shopping? and given every single thing she wanted? that's what i got, that day. she bought me a closet full of new clothes for the fall/winter. i think i even got a coat. sweaters, a purse, everything. and then, afterwards she took me to lunch. chinese food. exactly what i wanted. and i just sat there. i wasn't eating. i think i smiled. i know i said, 'thank you.' but i do remember my mom getting up to use the restroom. and as she walked away i thought, 'i bet she is terrified'. i mean, can you imagine, as a mother, walking that road with your daughter? no make up, pale, not eating, no smile, blank eyes. the worst for her had to have been the blank eyes. i remember thinking how scared she must be. that the girl that sat there did not resemble her daughter at all. and i wondered, would i ever be her again?

well, i am her. i really am. on sept 26th i woke up and thought, 'it's here.' and then i thought, 'IT'S HERE!' and better yet, 'i have NO REASON to be sad, now.' i'm alive. healthy. happy. and better mentally and spiritually than i have been in years. so, i celebrated. i got myself starbucks on the way to work and toasted freedom with my coworkers and ate dinner with april and laughed about all the things that i no longer had to endure. it was a good day. i didn't give him one single tear. not one.

and not that they won't creep in every now and then. i acknowledge grief is a circle and not a race with a start and finish. i am aware that i will surprisingly burst into tears when i hear salsa music, eat a taco, or see a bulldog. but, the worst is behind me. i have survived one year. every holiday, anniversary, reminder, and mile-marker. they are done.

i am well, friends. thank you for your prayers and support. i know that you are out there. remembering me. thinking of me. loving me. thank you. we can all celebrate.

"Like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be recovered, so we must die. But God does not take away life; instead, he devises ways so that a banished person may not remain estranged from him." 2 SAMUEL 14:14

it's like christmas eve.

so it's no secret i'm trying to make it through the fall. and as hard as i expect some days to be, the anticipation of fun times ahead is doing a wonderful job of keeping me distracted.

when i was little i couldn't wait until christmas morning. my mom always used to say, "the soooner you get to sleep, the sooner santa will come." so without fail, every year on december 24th (the one night my parents would not have to bribe me to go to sleep), i would rush to bed. i would lay there and squint my eyes so tight. i always hoped i would drift off to sleep with lightening speed, knowing the night would pass in a second and i would get to open my presents as soon as i awoke.

that's how i feel about this fall. the line-up is amazing. probably not amazing to the average person, but amazing to me. here are some of the things keeping me up late at night with the happy anxiousness of a 5 year old.

#1. leah kraft is turning 30, and as my friends tend to roll...the party is going to be sick. i like dressing up and going fancy places, and this is sure to be one for the books. sept 26th. good friends. good food. surely someone will do something obscene. i'm hoping.

#2. oct 13th. i get to spend one lovely evening, with the lovely miss kelly jackson, watching these lovely boys....i'm sort of obsessed with the sound of them. i love caleb's voice. kings of leon. love it.

#3. october 22nd through 26th. if anything is bound to be ridiculous- this is it. california- revisited. it's round two of the 30th birthday extravaganza. same crew. same state. same fun. and this time, the price is right will not be canceled. i cannot wait to spend time with these kids. can. not. wait.


#4. i love my boss. let me say it again, i love my boss. i actually have lots of bosses, but she is my direct supervisor. lorraine. she's amazing, kind, generous, thoughtful. i love learning from her. we have so much fun being a team and learning to be a better team. but the most fun thing about lorraine is we giggle like junior highers. about lots of things. she introduced me to the twilight books. i hated them, detested them. and now, i'm obsessed. she teases me all the time and puts up pictures of rob pattinson on the walls by my desk. it's great fun.

so on november 21st......it's national appreciate lorraine day. i'm so excited. she's a very practical woman, and i'm not, so i'm going to take her to do something that she would never do for herself. new moon premiere downtown at the mainstreet theatre. it's going to be really fun.....who would disagree?

#5. halloween haunt. my brother and i do this every year. we love it. well, he loves it except i scream and cling to him in sheer terror. but, he lives with it. world's of fun becomes fright fest every fall for halloween. i'm hoping we never get too old for this.

#6. and finally for thanksgiving, for the first time EVER, the my mom's siblings and all my cousins are getting together in the most western of kansas to celebrate. it's something i've pushed for, for years, and never won out. but this year, we've rented an entire house and are all going to barricade away in wakeeney, kansas. i'm sure that i will want to escape as soon as i am trapped with my mom and her sisters, but for now, it will be so special.

isn't it all so great? i just cannot stop counting down the days.