voices in my head. (no, i'm not crazy.)

far too much of me gives a rip about my identity. to others. i never really contemplated it much until i no longer liked the things for which i am now identified.

divorce.

welcome. to. my. present. life.

and the sunny-smiley comment about this i suppose we most hear is "mistakes don't make you who you are." (load of crap.) i mean, it's not a total load. i believe with all my heart that Jesus covers us. and in theory, we can see each other through new eyes. yes. but it just doesn't work out that way. not 100%. flawed little piles of flesh, are we.

there's always a new leg of this race i'm running. but the one theme that keeps repeating itself is that sooner or later, i have to forgive myself. i have to move on. but how can i? it seems nearly impossible when i see it all staring me back in the face through others.

and the second i tell myself that, my brain follows with these thoughts, in this order. exactly. please, crawl into my brain for a moment:

#1- i am the only one that can accept grace.

**ok. got it.**

#2- people make me feel like i don't quite belong.

**start to freak out internally**

#3- people aren't judging you megan, it's all in your head.

**it's ok, just chill.**

#4- yes, they are! not all of them, but some of them. and i can feel it. like, in their stare feel it. **i knew it! i never should have come here!**

#5- no matter how much i can forgive myself, i can't control others around me.

**meh, screw it.**

and thus, the battle. i hate it. it used to keep me from going to church. or engaging with others. but it doesn't anymore. some sort of miraculous intervention occurred a few months back. in fact, i found myself brave enough to join a small group. (i tried every excuse in the book, and finally just went.)

through sobs and tears with jess one night late on the phone the truth of the matter really came out. "i mean, did you think, way back when, that THIS would be MY life??!?" she said, "nope. never."

the reality is, i didn't either. and now that THIS is my story, it's awfully hard to embrace it.

it's not about being single. or unmarried. i rather enjoy those things, actually. for now, maybe always. it's not about being cheated on. that was his deal. his choices had nothing to do with me. they were not a reflection of who i who i was, or am. at all. infidelity and abuse- his fault. his choice.

it's about the failing. the failing to CHOOSE the right thing. i married someone who was not my equal. spiritually or emotionally. period. i made a wrong choice, and somehow, in my mind, it means that i deserved what i got. it means that somehow my grief isn't as valid as a friend who has lost a child. that wasn't their fault. but this was mine.

and then comes the staring. or the rumors. or the gossip. and i assure you, it's out there. i've heard it all. and it's embarrassing and humiliating and horrible.

and no matter what, those two things are very true and very real to me. so i suppose you could say, divorce isn't my identity, but it kind of is. for now.

and though i'm not okay with the failing or the title, i've found the journey doable. and not defeating or destructive. i'm finding grace a little more each day. and that the things that were scary, aren't.

and now, i'm going to keep going. starting with small group tomorrow night. again.

for abbe.

please pray for my dear, dear friend abbe. her family is struggling through disappointment, heartbreak, (and yet in love with Jesus), continue to put their hope in the One who heals.

i don't normally blog about others. i sort of feel like when disappointment comes, it's not really my business to share things, but knowing that abbe makes her struggle known for intercession, i feel ok with this.

and in her honor, i'm deciding to share something that has been on my heart for some time. i've never wanted to point out something creepy, or be a debbie-downer, or make you all paranoid. but in honor of abbe, and the love i have for each of you and your children, i impart this story, and ask you to please consider this as you post pictures of your children on the world wide web.

i'm not a mom. i don't know what it's like. and i don't know the sorts of challenges you face on a daily basis. but a dear friend of mine, who is a mom, shared something with me once that i have never, ever forgotten. i happen to think she's one of the best mom's i know, so heed her advice.

you see, my good friend, posted cutesy pics and videos of her kids when they were little. you know, in the tub with cousins, or getting ready for bed, etc. and then she noticed the number of hits on these posts, compared to others, were higher. impossibly higher. in the hundreds higher. and intuition told her heart to protect her babies. she knew what this meant. so she doesn't do it anymore. which is sad, because she can't share those uber-cute bathtub moments with people that love her kiddos. but as a mom, i know you all want to protect your babies. and everytime i see your cute little kid on a blog in her diaper, i think of this. and get sad. and don't say anything.

but today i'm going to for abbe. and all the sweet friends that would die to protect their babies. and you.

meh. a downer, i know. but i think you should consider it.

ta da! (the new place, a few steps from done.)

this is mostly for kellie and jess. but if you find yourself far away and bored, enjoy. i'm sure most of you could care less what my apartment looks like. but after months of work and exhaustion, i'm finally home.

let me first introduce my teeny, tiny kitchen. it's sad, really. i have no counter space. but a sacrifice must be made, and these were the terms. i'm safer, it's cheaper, i'm in the woods, etc.



this is the dining area. its a darker shade of purple. i like it. this is the jerk shelf that took me forever to hang.

this is the view from the hole in my kitchen wall. a terrible picture, but i think you get the idea of the space. and this is my rad end table i got at the yard sale. it works in the room, which i was really hoping.



my walls are a gray/purple and the shade in the dining area is just a couple shades more intense on the same color strip.




this is the rad fabric kelly helped me find. i love it. it goes well with everything i had intended for the room.








my bathroom, sort of boring. i think bathrooms are always boring. no?


and my bedroom. remember the end table i pulled out of the dumpster this spring? thats it by my bed. it's black walnut. refinished. it's an ethan allen table i noticed. someone painted it white. silly. but great for me!



that's it. everyone says they feel like they are at the lake when they come over. which is a great compliment. i live in the woods. literally. come visit soon.

summer, summer, summer time.

well, on thursday night mattie and i went to see adam lambert in concert. (let me preface the following by stating i had won free tickets.) we went to dinner down at p&l and then headed to the show. dinner was the most fun. you'll see mattie and his nasty napkin below. wings and cocktails never make a good combo. needless to say adam lambert was a people watchers DREAM. we were sort of expecting it to be like a gay fashion show, but it wasn't. it was kind of like Twilight mom's gone wild, except for adam lambert. i don't know. the kid can sing. i give him that, but it was much more a drag show. (and i'm a girl that loves a good drag show.)
thanks for coming, mattie! i love your face!



two weeks prior, strange enough, i went to the counting crows show. (funny because kris allen opened.) it was good. but not their best show. too much going on, but we had great seats after a an upgrade from a lovely woman named jocelyn. she felt bad because we were surrounded by drunk, PDA, girls the entire show. it was a redemptive moment. we all enjoyed it.








don't you love how todd looks so overjoyed in all the pictures? april, michael, he and i had a blast.



and these are some of my favorite memories from the sturm invasion 2010. i love these kids. i still can't believe elijah is old enough to ride the big rides. and i still feel like the luckiest girl on the earth to get to spend times like these with them. my life is much richer because of these six individuals. i also can't believe how different their personalities are. SO DIFFERENT. but it's fun getting to know each of them. and i'm thankful that Jesus gives me little moments with them individually. things i know i'll tuck away in my memory forever. AND to my complete devastation elijah revealed he is old enough now that he doesn't remember me living with them. (heartbreak!) i think i shared some of my favorite memories in my earlier post, but i forgot one!!
so, zeke had reached the final frontier and needed a rest. while everyone else was riding rides i took him to a quiet spot and started singing. we started with 'the itsy bitsy spider' and after about 10 times i could not do it anymore. i started taking requests. and the little man said....wait for it....."beat it." (crap! i don't know the words to beat it.) so i just mumbled the tune and kept saying "beat it, beat it, beat it." after that wore itself out, i said, 'what else?' he says....wait for it....'thriller.' (crap! i don't know the words for thriller!!) so 'da,da,da', cause this is thriller, da, da, da." finally he fell asleep. i mean, these are tough requests.









that's it for now. next weekend we go camping in the ozarks and i'm STOKED. after that the summer is kind of, 'meh'.

after things slow down. wichita....here i come. i've got a short list of three little families i'd like to say a quick hello to.

i got one.

a computer, that is. it's been an ongoing saga, i know. after all that contemplating, what will i do now? one of the year's great dilemma's. solved. bam. perhaps all things in life should go this way?

nope.

well, i've got some sweet pixels of memory in my possession, trapped on my little camera. and someday, oneday, they will make it on to the blogosphere. several of my summer adventures have officially come and gone. most were expected, but a couple surprises here and there.

the sturms? came with thunder and left with a.....clean apartment? really. they cleaned my apartment like little elves on friday while i was at work. my heart still feels really full when elijah calls me aunt megan. i laughed so hard i nearly peed when zeke ripped the plant out of the pot at worlds of fun. and tears of laughter occured while watching cooper nearly jump out of his pants during the last inning of the royals game when the jumbo screen burst into flames and played 'welcome to the jungle' so loud you could hear it miles away. that kid is hard core. hard. core.
it was a good 48 hours. i was exhausted. those kids ate me alive.

i got some good time with jess. a coffee talk that lasted nearly three hours. i honestly cannot remember the last time i had a three hour conversation and didn't look at the clock or wonder where i needed to be. it was good for my heart and soul. that girl knows me. the ugly and the pretty and the somewhere in between. and she's always loved me just the same.

i went to the counting crows concert with some folks. it was good. and weird. and maybe my least favorite of the counting crows shows i've ever been to. i'll have more words and pics on that later.

but for now, i blogged. because? i can! sitting at my table. in my house. with my dog. on the computer the Lord so blessedly provided after much prayer and thought.

p.s.- welcome home, my sweet, sweet kellie. i love knowing that you're reading this NOT across the ocean. for awhile. can't wait to hug you, my friend. (tears.)