2 Samuel 14:14

i've been so busy the past couple weeks that it wasn't until i had a phone call from a friend saying "just making sure you're breathing", that i realized an update was necessary. i waited until yesterday passed to make the final proclamation-

I HAVE SURVIVED THIS YEAR!

and if i might add, with flying colors. i can't believe it! it's been a year! and you know what? other than the august slump and a couple down days in september, it wasn't as bad as i expected. always prepare for the worst, that's my new motto.

there is one memory that remains more vivid than others i would like to share, because i think that in comparison, it really shows the restoration my God is capable of.

during one of my first weekends away, i think my mom thought it was the best idea to take me shopping. yeah! shopping. what girl doesn't want to go shopping? and given every single thing she wanted? that's what i got, that day. she bought me a closet full of new clothes for the fall/winter. i think i even got a coat. sweaters, a purse, everything. and then, afterwards she took me to lunch. chinese food. exactly what i wanted. and i just sat there. i wasn't eating. i think i smiled. i know i said, 'thank you.' but i do remember my mom getting up to use the restroom. and as she walked away i thought, 'i bet she is terrified'. i mean, can you imagine, as a mother, walking that road with your daughter? no make up, pale, not eating, no smile, blank eyes. the worst for her had to have been the blank eyes. i remember thinking how scared she must be. that the girl that sat there did not resemble her daughter at all. and i wondered, would i ever be her again?

well, i am her. i really am. on sept 26th i woke up and thought, 'it's here.' and then i thought, 'IT'S HERE!' and better yet, 'i have NO REASON to be sad, now.' i'm alive. healthy. happy. and better mentally and spiritually than i have been in years. so, i celebrated. i got myself starbucks on the way to work and toasted freedom with my coworkers and ate dinner with april and laughed about all the things that i no longer had to endure. it was a good day. i didn't give him one single tear. not one.

and not that they won't creep in every now and then. i acknowledge grief is a circle and not a race with a start and finish. i am aware that i will surprisingly burst into tears when i hear salsa music, eat a taco, or see a bulldog. but, the worst is behind me. i have survived one year. every holiday, anniversary, reminder, and mile-marker. they are done.

i am well, friends. thank you for your prayers and support. i know that you are out there. remembering me. thinking of me. loving me. thank you. we can all celebrate.

"Like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be recovered, so we must die. But God does not take away life; instead, he devises ways so that a banished person may not remain estranged from him." 2 SAMUEL 14:14

it's like christmas eve.

so it's no secret i'm trying to make it through the fall. and as hard as i expect some days to be, the anticipation of fun times ahead is doing a wonderful job of keeping me distracted.

when i was little i couldn't wait until christmas morning. my mom always used to say, "the soooner you get to sleep, the sooner santa will come." so without fail, every year on december 24th (the one night my parents would not have to bribe me to go to sleep), i would rush to bed. i would lay there and squint my eyes so tight. i always hoped i would drift off to sleep with lightening speed, knowing the night would pass in a second and i would get to open my presents as soon as i awoke.

that's how i feel about this fall. the line-up is amazing. probably not amazing to the average person, but amazing to me. here are some of the things keeping me up late at night with the happy anxiousness of a 5 year old.

#1. leah kraft is turning 30, and as my friends tend to roll...the party is going to be sick. i like dressing up and going fancy places, and this is sure to be one for the books. sept 26th. good friends. good food. surely someone will do something obscene. i'm hoping.

#2. oct 13th. i get to spend one lovely evening, with the lovely miss kelly jackson, watching these lovely boys....i'm sort of obsessed with the sound of them. i love caleb's voice. kings of leon. love it.

#3. october 22nd through 26th. if anything is bound to be ridiculous- this is it. california- revisited. it's round two of the 30th birthday extravaganza. same crew. same state. same fun. and this time, the price is right will not be canceled. i cannot wait to spend time with these kids. can. not. wait.


#4. i love my boss. let me say it again, i love my boss. i actually have lots of bosses, but she is my direct supervisor. lorraine. she's amazing, kind, generous, thoughtful. i love learning from her. we have so much fun being a team and learning to be a better team. but the most fun thing about lorraine is we giggle like junior highers. about lots of things. she introduced me to the twilight books. i hated them, detested them. and now, i'm obsessed. she teases me all the time and puts up pictures of rob pattinson on the walls by my desk. it's great fun.

so on november 21st......it's national appreciate lorraine day. i'm so excited. she's a very practical woman, and i'm not, so i'm going to take her to do something that she would never do for herself. new moon premiere downtown at the mainstreet theatre. it's going to be really fun.....who would disagree?

#5. halloween haunt. my brother and i do this every year. we love it. well, he loves it except i scream and cling to him in sheer terror. but, he lives with it. world's of fun becomes fright fest every fall for halloween. i'm hoping we never get too old for this.

#6. and finally for thanksgiving, for the first time EVER, the my mom's siblings and all my cousins are getting together in the most western of kansas to celebrate. it's something i've pushed for, for years, and never won out. but this year, we've rented an entire house and are all going to barricade away in wakeeney, kansas. i'm sure that i will want to escape as soon as i am trapped with my mom and her sisters, but for now, it will be so special.

isn't it all so great? i just cannot stop counting down the days.

f-f-f-f-funk.

disclaimer: i like to write. it helps me process. i like to be boldly honest. and i'm a dramatic person. you've been warned.

it happened a couple weeks ago. i'm not sure when to be exact. sort of like a black cloud settled in. the haze was confirmed when i was watching 'sex and the city' the movie, for the hundredth time, and i got teary at a part that i never get teary at. "crap."

i'm so used to waves of grief over the past three years that i immediately start going through the files in my mind. first i think, "am i missing mario?" then, "or my dad?" then, the why..."what holiday is it?" or, "what was i doing this time last year?" i thought and thought- nothing. in explainable.

my mom came up to rescue me the weekend before last. she's good medicine. we didn't do anything special. she was just....there. and for a moment, i felt stronger and less sad.

i talked to her the next monday. my wonderful, spirit-filled, intuitive mother. i was kind of down still, and she said to me, "i'm going to tell you something, because i haven't spoken up in the past and i've regretted it. so be patient as i tell you." in return, i listened, as i have not in the past, and too, regretted it. she nailed it on the head and it took me a moment to absorb the truth. in fact, i'm still absorbing it.

it's august. oh, august. i'm not sure of the last time i enjoyed an august. it's august when my dad stopped walking. or talking. when we went together to get our tattoo's. when i said my last of good-byes that he would be able to say a good-bye to me, in return. it was the last time that i would hear him tell me 'i love you.' (something i wish i had recorded.) it's also august when i began to acknowledge the truth of my very short marriage. that i would not be able to survive much longer under the circumstances. it's august when i would leave him for the first night- ever. to contemplate what i was going to do, and how long it would take me to do it.

august is my, 'brave face month'. i hate- august.

and that leads us to september. september, which is not far below the totum pole of august, but just enough to be in the lead of "the suckiest month". ever. september 29, 2006 was the day my dad died. september 21, 2008 was the day i had the balls to leave my husband. and, they weren't even my balls, but really that of those who were brave enough to step in front of me and make the hard choice. thank god, for them, i say. it was- an intervention.

september blows. i despise- september.

so here i am. a little more worn for the wear. maybe a lot? but still wearable. and as i said in the beginning of this ramble, i'm used to the waves of grief. it's just learning to swim when i feel like sinking. i guess it's really about thanking the Lord that He gives me the ability to figure myself out, and also the smart ones around me to help point that out. it's about choosing not to sleep, or eat, or drink, or do any of those really dangerous coping mechanisms people do in the midst of conflict and crisis. the one's that cause addiction and getting lost. boo, on getting lost.

so, for the next 8 weeks, i'm going to dig my feet into the Rock. and try and stay standing. and get out of bed. and go to the gym everyday even though i don't want to. and put on make-up. and not have ice cream or chips in my house. :) and get through it.

the anniversaries i care to not celebrate.
i wonder, will i ever like september or august? ever again?

the squeals of teeny, tiny girls

this experience in my life cannot go un-noted.

last night i went to the jordin sparks/jonas brothers concert. yes. i really did. it's sort of unjust because i know that there are teenage girls out there that would do anything to get into that show. and i could really care less. i mean, i don't even know their names. or their songs. or their ages. (however, thanks to TMZ, i do know their love lives.)

my friend ben scored some last minute free tickets (he's kind of the hook-up like that) and asked me to join him. let's state for the record that he only wanted to go so he could hear jordin sparks, and i obliged, cause i thought it'd be fun.....in a scary/surreal sort of way.

it completely lived up to all my expectations. the sprint center holds 16,000 plus bodies. and on this particular night these 16,000 bodies were teeny-tiny-boy-crazed-itty-bitty-screaming-monsters. i mean....every time someone said 'jonas' they would burst into the most ear-curdleing squeals. itty-bitty squeals. i mean, it's one thing to go to a justin timberlake show, where the girls have at least grown out of the little girl scream, but this was awful. and it NEVER stopped. just a steady scream. i'm guessing the average age was around 10 years old. (with accompanying mother or sister or aunt.) after jordin performed we decieded to stick around just to watch the freak show a little. we mostly laughed, and after our ears counldn't take anymore, and we got a sufficient amount of gigges- we left.

let me also state that jordin sparks was awesome. i'm not really a fan, but now i might be. she expressed such a genuine heart of gratitude for her life and her fans. she even stopped a second to talk about self-esteem with these 16,000 little ladies and sang a song about god's love for them. it was actually kind of cool. i really think she was worshiping and praying over all of them while she stood there in the middle all alone singing about jesus. not many people in her place would have the balls to do that- and really mean it. i'm a fan. officially.

wet floor. sweaty bottom.

let me start by saying i LOVE 24 hour gym classes. i've been going to them for almost four years. i'll even say that it's my favorite evening activity, and i'll forgo hanging out with friends in order to enjoy my classes. i also have a membership to the YMCA via my mom (so i can work out in topeka) that is good anywhere, but i don't care, i love my gym. i'll pay for it.

let me add on that i have a routine. something monday, tuesday, etc., etc.- except for wednesday. that's my free night. i usually just do some cardio on an elyptical, stretch, and go home. HOWEVER, this wednesday (last night), was different. my ear buds broke on my ipod, and i absolutely cannot work out without music. it makes for the longest. work out. ever. so....i decided to hop in to a TKB class, led by miza. i have done one of her classes before and remember it was a good work out. (let me add also that i am a total gym class SNOB. i can tell you the best teachers in the city, and i won't go to the bad ones. no matter the situation.) what i DON'T remember, however, is that she is a total drill sergeant and that i needed to fear for my life!!

it was packed. which is a good thing. it means she's good. maybe 40 bodies in a room built for the clearly marked 28- above the door in fire-code fashion. and we were off. no warnings, no hi's, no "my names is....welcome to.....". nothing. (which is fine. i could do the warm-up in my sleep.) but we were doing the newest round. which i hadn't done yet, because the class i normally attend is still doing the last one. i was actually quite proud of myself because i was picking it up more quickly than normal...avoiding looking like a fumbling idiot. and then it happened. about 20 minutes in the floor was covered in sweat. too many people. small space. not enough fans. dehumidifier not cutting it. and things got slimy.

i was so worried about slipping and busting a knee-cap. most instructors would say "be careful", or "watch the floor ladies", but not her. she just kept on. the girl behind me fell. nothing. miza reminded me of a gymnast on crack. i wanted so plea, "i like my knees. i need them." i was happy to be cautious and careful. apparently, she thought i was a wuss.

to top it all off....at the end of class, we do squats. now, being cautious of my knees i was doing very hesitant squats. i was wobbly. tired. shaky. covered in sweat. so this results in less than proper form. according to her, this was unacceptable. so, you know what she did? she came by and yelled, "TIGHTER!", and gave me a good shove. any other day, i would think, "oh, she's telling me how good i'm doing, that's nice." but not today. as i lost footing from the push, nearly falling over, i thought, "she's really trying to kill me." isn't that special?

and you know what? i'll go back next wednesday.

shiny, sparkely, Jesus

this sounds like an advertisement, and a description that doesn't quite sound reverant enough, usually, i would be mortified. but today, on this grand day of 07/08/09- something miraculous has happened.....

MY MOM DOES NOT HAVE CANCER!!!!!

isn't it glorious? weeping on the floor, thank you, thank you, Jesus wonderful? it is. and maybe to appreciate it's wonder you need the background.

my mom had cancer in 2000. and after surgery it didn't come back. my dad had cancer in 2006. and he did not win that battle. mom gets cancer for second time in 2008. (not even two years after i lost my dad.) and to be honest it just didn't seem fair. we do the surgery thing, it's gone, and we hope for the best. and one month ago, we found out that mom has cancer for third time. super bummed. defeated. bleck.

now....in the past days, during this most recent cancer dance i sat down with God and said outloud, in my big comfy chair, all alone in my apartment, in tears: "i know that there are no guarantees. and no limitations on what i should or should not have to endure because, that's not how you work, and who am i to question you. but really, i think i've had enough- for now. i need a break with all this. i know you're going to do what you do, and i'll learn to be okay with that, but please, please, please, make my mom okay. i just need that. that's it. please." now, knowing how my God works, and knowing that i've had lots of big requests in my life, and most of the time, i don't get my wish list. i instead always get to walk the "you give and take away, you are still God and worthy of my praise" road again. i don't mind that road, but it isn't my first choice this time.

but low and behold. TODAY, i got MY MIRACLE!!! i've been waiting all my life for one of those moments that i hear about. when He shows up just like you asked to give you your every desire. and He did. that's all i wanted. shiny, sparkley, Jesus showed up and took her cancer away. my mom got a call from the doc and it's gone. "i guess it must have been scar tissue", they said. never mind the fact that they nearly had my mom's surgery scheduled and her radiation weeks after that. she doesn't need it! just another check up in 3 months.

thank you, thank you, Jesus. for being so sweet to me, and showing me a side of yourself i have never experienced. i feel so special and important in your great big world of need. thank you for answering mine.

my safe little space

i think i've said before how wonderful my new home is. it's small, and not even really mine, but it represents so much that i truly thank to Lord for bringing me there every single day. i realized life isn't about having what we want, or things in perfect order, but it's those little things that bring me so much joy. you see, in this apartment, i picked out everything. the colors, the music i play, the tv i watch, the food i cook. and all in all, that sounds amazingly selfish and self-centered. but only if i hadn't spent the past two years as a stranger in my own home. you see, no one can yell at me here. no one can tell me i didn't do something right, no one can leave me in the middle of the night and not come home until six in the morning. no one can disrespectfully not take care of my things, and no one can make me cry. it's my safe place. and it's been too, too long since i had one.

welcome.

it's not done yet, but i thought i'd show you a few of my favorite things.

this is my white couch. yes, white. i'm not sure what i was thinking, but i know i bought these pre-husband and pre-dog. glad to say they survived and i really think that God smiled on me, and let all the stains come out. i made all the new pillows....i love paisley. that pattern makes me smile. and yes, my walls are turqouise. i love them. it's the perfect and exact shade i was hoping for. i think it has been stated as "little mermaid", but everyone agrees it's awesome.


and these are the other pillows i made...and the otomon i covered myself in the paisley that i love. the picture above is fun and reminds me of a very special stepping stone, my time working with kel. and now, it reminds me of restoration and the truth that God is always devising ways to bring us back to him, and to eachother.








and this is the corner....my mom helped me make the curtains, too. i had more pics than this, but they didn't upload, and i'm still working on a few things, so we'll try some more when the product is finished.





and this is my little mess, i haven't finished. and to be honest, i'm stuck. i have these black shelves to hang next to the large picture, but i'm not sure what to put on them...candle holders, i guess? but the wine cabinet is such a blessing. i have been looking for the perfect one forever, and i finally found it. in perfect condition on craig's list. for $40 bucks!!!! and the pic above it my grandma painted, she says it's her favorite one she has ever done. the other half of the room is great. super annoyed i didn't get pics uploaded right. i refinished a dresser and other stuff.

more to come soon. come over, anytime.