not-so-happy....

...anniversary.

i've got a hard core case of the grouchies/weepies this week. i'd love to say that i have the amazing ability to talk to myself in the mirror, say 'get over it', and it be that easy, but it's not.

yesterday was mario's birthday. 'happy birthday, mario. wherever you are.' i have seen june 15th looming on the calendar for about a week and dreaded it's coming. unknowingly yesterday, i came to work, and the first time i typed it- 6/15/09, my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. it was like going down a rollercoaster, except i really like rollercoasters. i can say that i truly thought i was going to kick yesterday's ass, having made so much progress these last months, i really thought i might conquer. but, i lost. on the way home from work yesterday i burst into tears, and quickly found myself on the couch in complete 'mope' mode. i can't quite describe the feeling. it was like i was missing something, and like i should have been doing something. i mean, for the last few years i've cooked the dinner, made the cake, planned the party. and this year, nothing. it's truly the most bizarre out-of-body experience. to feel completely cut off from someone i used to share EVERYTHING with.

and to add insult to injury. saturday is our wedding anniversary. so, here with the memories of what i was doing exactly one year ago. walking down the isle....dreaming about the future....celebrating....cutting cake. ugh. gross. vomit. it's like taking a big sharpie and scribbling all over the pretty memories in my head. wanting to be happy about something that just doesn't have any happy left.

my mom says to remember that i won. that i got the better end of this deal. that i am no longer abused, yelled at, and left all alone. and i think i'll try to cling to that. to celebrate the fact that God set me free and pulled me out of the pit when i really thought i was stuck, for good.

anyway, those are the tales of the divorcee for today. sucks.