processing

my counselor told me to journal. i'm too impatient to journal. i think too fast, get annoyed, and quit. so i thought blogging would be good.

i've been processing a lot lately. my dad's death. my upcoming divorce. i think my pride gets in the way most of the time. thinking, "how did I become that girl?" it's a gross thought. the deep hearted truth of that question needs some serious time, but lately i can't help but think about jess and joel.

i sang in their wedding. "give me one pure and holy passion, give me one magnificent obsession...to know and follow hard after you." i prayed that a great deal over them and cora, during her stay in the hospital. thinking of their young love and that wonderful day, thinking of them full of hopes and dreams. sure that never would have dreamed they would lose their beautiful daughter to cancer so young. my heart hurts for them. i had a three months to say good-bye to my dad. i can't imagine processing such a devastating surprise.

and then i remembered the day i decided to leave my husband. i literally felt like i was dying. it hurt to breath and think. and i wonder daily if they feel that ache. praying that they will have the peace to breathe and sleep. sleep being the only thing that kept me sane in the exhaustion of living those first few days without Mario. every movement cause pain. and i truly thought that it would never stop.

life is so uncertain. and the pain of loss is truly unbearable, at times. but, i am making it. and so will they. probably with more grace than i ever did. but the strong survive. and He makes us strong. i'm stronger now than i ever thought i would be again.

praise the Lord.