a road less traveled

the job hunt continues.

i turned down a job a week ago. there was no peace when i thought about working in that office. none- at all. i think the easiest thing would have been to take the job, i suppose. most people would say i'm insane in this economy to turn down a job. i wasn't sure i was making the right decision, so i laid out the fleece. a sort of, 'if you want me to take the job, then these are my requirements'. i decided an unwillingness to bend on their end, was an urging from the Lord to move on. i'm hoping i don't regret it. i'm mostly hoping i'm not insane.

i was telling a friend the other day, that it's been a long time since i chose the unknown. to trust the faint voice of God, or what i think is God. (i'll explain that statement later.) you see- when i pray, or sit, or think about being unemployed on june 1st, i have no anxiety. i just have an overwhelming sense that something wonderful is coming. i don't know what, but i'm rather sure of it.

there is a neurosurgeon i love and respect. i talked to him the other day and his office will be hiring soon. you see, it's neurology. i love neurology. lots of my patients now are referred to this specific neurosurgeon. we work very closely. i think it's pretty much a done deal, i just have to wait patiently for him to REMEMBER to hire me. waiting. and there is a chance this waiting could end in...unemployment. but i'm choosing to believe in the peace that exists in my heart. the one that's undoubtedly from Him.

so while i wait, i pray. and hope.

and this my friends, is the road less traveled. i think it's a road i used to wander frequently. when life and decisions were simpler. less dangerous. damaging. but life is scarier now. and the pretty, paved road seems so much easier. the one that says, take the job, be employed.

i do not easily trust. not anymore. i was so confused and manipulated not long ago. and when i chose to do the hardest thing of all, to leave my husband, it was not a matter of trust. it was a matter of survival. i had to choose to leave so that i would not die. i see that God opened the door of freedom from that slavery. but the whole year was such a time of planning, strategic and calculated planning. i had to make very cautious choices to survive. to escape. to hide.

in fact, i'm still hiding. i was walking lily tonight, looking over my shoulder for a blue-green eclipse. his new car that i've never even seen. trying to figure out the best way to get to safety if he drove by. i decided it would be best to run into the middle of the street and yell for help. that way he wouldn't stop, or at least for long. i decided that if he found out where i lived, i would just move out and pay the rest of my lease. (it's only two months.)

that's my reality. but this is different. i've learned to survive. i've spent over a year doing it. and after months of waiting, hoping, and praying, i feel like i can begin to trust the Lord. to trust that maybe i'm not crazy. that maybe the peace that i'm feeling IS from Him. and that faint voice IS His. that i can actually look to Him as a Saviour. as someone real who is going to help me with this next faze of my life. someone i believe to actual be bringing me something good. and the parts of me that hesitate and second guess, and want to hold on, are starting to let go.

and it feels so nice.