resilience.

this is lily. she is four. i love her. two years ago...i said often, 'she's the only smart thing i did in two years.' i'll still stand by that statement. lil makes people laugh. she doesn't shed and she doesn't smell. she doesn't wine or bark. she walks off leash and she never runs away. she happily gets in her 'hut' when i go to work. in fact, my dog is so cool that people come to my house when i'm not home just to hang out with her. i could go on....

i've been thinking about this because a family i love has had to find a new home for their sweet, sweet dog. (i'm not one of those bloggers that feels it is my place to provide some sort of 'link' or tell you their story, so i won't.) just know that as they have faced loss and grief, their dog has also shared this burden with them, and is no longer healthy and happy. they have found her a new home. this is so sad. i have cried as i read these last posts from my friend. cried because i love their dog. cried because i'm so sad they face yet another loss and transition. but i celebrate their decision to do what is best, even though it is hard to say goodbye.

in praying for them and hoping for them, i've found myself reflecting on lily. and how thankful i am for her resilience. i mean, she was initially raised in a home full of lots and lots of male yelling. (she is somewhat afraid of men, still. but getting better.) and when i left my husband i gave her to my mom for awhile because i was worried he would steal her. she lived with me again after i got my apartment. and now, she pops back and forth between my house and my moms depending on the weather or my travels. and she is so happy.

i'm thankful for her. she has sat with me through these years of grief and moving on. it may sound silly, but she has provided lots of joy and lots of fun during initially lonely times. she sleeps at my feet as i write this, and i just have to take a moment to thank the Lord for her companionship. and her ability to adapt to different environments in stressful situations.

as the saying goes, she may not be my best friend, but she is a good friend, indeed.

happy birthday, mama

let me start by saying, my mother despises being the center of attention. parties, presents, any sort of adoration....these things make her VERY uncomfortable.

i decided to throw mom a party this year. she's a Christmas day baby. so it's rare that it would work out for me to be home early to plan something. i ALSO decided not to tell her. her friends all kept calling me..."is this a surprise?" my answer, "no, i just don't want to be the one to break the news. she'll get mad at me." i just hoped someone else would tell her. she finally found out sometime last weekend, it didn't go over well, but she finally let it go.

her best friend, said it best in an email the morning of the 23rd:

"Have fun at your party today....Humble servants can enjoy their own birthday parties because their friends receive a blessing by celebrating with their special friend."

here are a few pictures.

my mom has amazing friends. amazing. women that point her to Jesus and have walked so closely with her through the years. they have the most amazing relationship. it is something to aspire to when i am older. thank the Lord, for the many, many women in my mom's life. i suppose around 30 people were able to make the celebration.

i cooked lots and lots of food.

i made these gift bags as favors for coming. the flowers are actually pins. (you can see the ladies wearing them in the first picture.) i don't know what i was thinking when i took on all 30 of them. april helped me cut all the petals. i'll have to pay for her doctor's bill someday when she has arthritis. in the bags are MARSHMALLOWS! did you know you could make marshmallows?? you can! so much fun! highly recommended!


and also thanks to april, i made these beautiful cupcakes! they were a big hit.

happy 65th birthday, mama. i love you the mostest.

dear kellie,

there are things i could not say to you when i said goodbye today. because i could not speak. but, i want you to know...

you are my best friend.

i have cherished our moments of worship this summer. together, singing old praise songs at the church you married in. also sitting in the living room, and if i shut my eyes tight enough, it felt like Cairo with the sounds of matt leading us on his guitar. telling myself to remember this moment, because it will not come again soon. knowing that one day, we will stand before Jesus and sing for eternity. thinking how sweet it will be.

and with maya. the sweet, squishy, blue eyed girl. you are an amazing mother. the kind of mother and friend that makes me feel like i can fit in that world somehow. the kind of that makes people feel valuable and important, even though your world has changed with that little person in your life. and she will know what is important, and what is not. because you will ask yourself 1,000 times what is right for her, and when you finally decide, it will be just what she needs. she is blessed to have you both.

and to see you in love. priceless. my heart is overwhelmed with the love in your marriage. i am so thankful beyond words. i sit and watch you both sometimes, and try to tell the story in my head. i mean, how did this ACTUALLY happen? i remember talking with matt, and talking with you, and the waiting....and now this. such a testament to God's faithfulness.

i'm so happy you are living the life you were designed for. chasing hard after it. investing in the lives of those around you. pursuing others with genuine interest and love. He will change the world with your love for others. they will meet you and not forget you. they will wonder why you were kind to them. why you cared. no one can meet you and not see something special in you.

thank you for giving me so much of your time these few months. i know it is precious. and in return, i feel so special to have had these days and weekends.

i am thankful for it all. sharing a room. sharing a house. sharing a strange, large, lost city. walking along the Great Wall with you. riding in that taxi, wondering how we would ever find our way back. having matching pajama pants. snorkeling in many bodies of water, trying to drown you in all of them. watching the storm nearly tear hawaii down, talking about how i felt like that uprooted tree. sleeping in the grand prix on the side of the road. going to the lake and pulling the broken boat back to shore. lots and lots and lots of boys and broken hearts. knowing that matt was the one. throwing a fit when i was not ready for him to invade my hawaiin vacation. walking down the isle. sending you off to atlanta. eating at pretty restaurants with flowers on the plates. loving each of your siblings for such special and different reasons. sitting with your teary mama over a christmas lunch as she sent gifts off to china. muslin. goats. snowed in porches. cigarettes and wine coolers. being broken, honest, and vulnerable. a card you sent me after my dad died. the tears we shared at the end of my marriage.

you are family, to me. i love you. i will miss you.

until we hug again,

megs

two months.

i haven't blogged in two months. lame.

but i've been reading your blogs. i love it.

i could tell you all the wonderful things i've been up to. but that seems impossible.

instead, i'll tell you the highlight reel:

i got to see justin play on a big stage in front of lots of people with matt and april. highlight.

i've had sweet, sweet times with kel before they head back to a far away land. highlight.

i continue to spend my sunday evenings with those i love around the dinner table. and snuggled up on my couches watching our favorite serial killer. highlight.

i went to manhattan and loved on my sturm friends. highlight.

i watched my brother complete his first 5k. highlight.

i got the most beautiful oil painting from someone i respect and admire. and it's hanging on my wall. highlight.

there are a couple others that i can't quite let out of the bag yet. but soon, very soon.

it will be a blog heard around the world on that day.

love.

a thought. before i forget it.

i've expressed before that a season i love has been dismantled by two sorrowful anniversaries. i don't really love august or september anymore. i more frequently find myself to be a subconscious basket case and a little less motivated.

no more than 5 days separate the day i left my marriage and the day my father died. but, that's not the point.

two years ago, i would have said that the failure of my marriage (that specific moment, the leaving part and the days thereafter) was much more painful than losing my father. i don't remember feeling actual physical pain when my dad died, or the lack of ability to breathe. i felt both when i left mario. however, at this point in time, the absence of my father is much more painful than i remember the leaving.

i'm not sure if it is because the blessed quietness of my life currently does not mask the absence of him as the chaos of years past has? or i can't hear his voice as much as i used to? i have so much sorrow in the midst of the missing him.

anyway, i miss my dad. praise be to Jesus that i will see him again.

it's over? really?

i can't believe the summer is gone. i know it's gone because it's dark when i wake up in the morning, and dark at 8pm. boo. boo, to dark.

the other day i said, "this has been the best summer i've had in....years." (calculating....) "four years to be exact."explanation? four years ago, my dad was sick. sick. and in mid-june he was diagnosed with cancer and given two months to live. hence, the onset of worst summer ever. the following summers ensued marriage and meanness, the last summer was my first without mario or my dad. so this summer? with lots of healing behind me, it left for a world of fun.

i have laughed. a lot. i mean, so much. i laughed yesterday at the pool with the boys and april. and i don't even remember what we were laughing at.

i have had sweet, sweet, time with jess and kellie. i mean, the kind of time that makes me wish the heavens were near. that makes me think, THIS is what it will be like. sort of. soon, it will be months before i can hug either of them, but the phone will do.

i went camping. bless the folks that went along with this idea. they knew my heart longed for camping. they went. they had fun. it was a memory for the record books.

the sturm's came. again, memorable. i love them. they really are my family. in so many ways. i love brian and min. and those four little people they made. with all their personalities and quirks and differences. precious.

i went to grown up prom with ben, todd and ape. (not really, it was jazzoo.) but we dressed up, and pretended we could afford to be there. and ate too much. and acted silly.

i swam. a lot. and layed in the sun. glorious.

anyway, that's that. too many things to find my favs. and now i'm tired of blogging and thinking.

hot dogs, hot dogs everywhere.

i didn't take many pictures tonight. which is a relief for poor kevin. (i'm not sure that he finds the photo sessions that torturous, but in little brother fashion, my brother would hate it. thus, the previous statement.)

we went to the k. a first for kev, a kansas city first for matt, and a long overdue return for kel. it was grand. they played great. the hot dogs were a dollar. (and sodas!) and we laughed and had a good time.

enjoy the tales in photo.

THIS is what happens when i tell matt to smile.........

this is the beginning of the hot dog madness.....

in true china fashion...a couple tourist photos......

and some sweet moments with good friends and family.....


and yes. we did in fact consume 12 hot dogs total. i'll let you add the fingers and do the math.

good night!

(and i still have lots of great pics to post from the weekend, but i'll save that for another day.)